Seeing Red? It's Just my Color Code showing.

Back in high-school (21 years ago, yikes!) I had a Psychology class where the teacher had us take a color coded personality test. The colors were green, gold, orange, and one I can't remember. I remember that most of the kids in that class were orange--which our teacher predicted. I was not orange which I found a little embarrassing--orange was basically "fun" and what 17 year old didn't want to be fun? I think I was gold--can't remember for sure--but I do know that whatever color I was reflected that I was practical and determined--only one other kid in the class was the same color as me.
Life moved on and low and behold, I continued not to be fun and grew in both practicality and determination. About ten years after this high-school profile, I was introduced to The Color Code, a book by Taylor Hartman which was similar to that green/gold personality profile I'd taken in high-school. I bought the book and took the test to determine what color my personality was. Here's the basic color mapping:

Red: The Power Wielders
Reds have the most dominate, intimidating personality. Expressing themselves emotionally is uncomfortable and creates the vulnerability they typically avoid.

Blues: Do-Gooders
Life cannot bestow on anyone
a more grtifying reward
than the sincere appreciation
and trust of a Blue friend,
employer, or family member.

Whites: Peacemakers
Whites offer us all
a model for gentle
human dignity.

Yellow: The Fun Lovers
Happy is as happy does. Yellow people love themselves because they know exactly what they love to do and always find the time and resources to do it.

No one is all of just one color, but when I did my profile I was a bit dismayed at the results. I thought I was a Blue/White, with a little Red mixed in to make sure I was on time for appointments. Instead I was very Red, with some Blue, a little White and absolutely no Yellow. NO YELLOW. Not even one stupid answer came out Yellow!

If you go back and read those personality descriptions (they are from the chapter headings of the book) you'll notice that only Red points out the negatives of that personality type. With great power comes great responsibility, I gather.

Basically, Reds are hungry for power, want to be productive, want to look good to others, shouldn't be taken too seriously, and seek leadership. This also means that they have strong opinions, get frustrated with other peoples opinions, get the work done, often have a big mouth, and tend to keep people at an emotional distance. They like to be in charge, they like to debate, and operate from a practical and logical place. It sounds like I'm portraying these negatively, but in my mind, I see most of these as good things. However, I have just enough Blue in me to feel bad about that.

Blues are motivated by altruism (which means helping others), seek intimacy, crave being understood, need to be remembered and appreciated and are directed by strong moral conscience. Basically, they are nurturers and want the world to be a better place. They like understanding and getting along and want people to be happy and comfortable.

Not-so-surprisingly, Red/Blue is one of the trickier personality profile out there because so many of the personality traits work against each other. Basically, I am this:

• I have really strong opinions I share easily but then feel bad when people don't agree with me.
• I like to give other people opportunities to feel the success of leadership, but I want to do it myself.
• I can do almost anything (as far as role/organization/commitment) but I want to do it my way.
• I'll feel bad for not wanting to do it your way if I bowl you over.
• I share opinions then regret them later and want a do over.
• I hate hurting people's feelings but often roll over them to get my way.
• I have emotional baggage but don't let it get in the way of progress.
• I am impatient with other people's emotional baggage but feel like a creep about it.
• Accomplishment is important to me but I worry it makes others uncomfortable.
• When I hold back, I often regret it.
• When I put it all out there, I often regret it.
• I am very confident in my opinions.
• I second guess everything.

I am about 60% Red, 30% Blue, and 10% White. Seeing as how I have no Yellow, it perhaps makes sense that I hate Disneyland, don't make room for play in my life, and tend to prefer small groups or no groups when it comes to down time. My idea of 'fun' is lunch with a friend, reading a book--alone--or creating something. When I exercise it's about accomplishing a goal rather than enjoying the invigoration or the sunshine. I really don't see this lack of fun as a drawback--but I know other people do and I have enough Blue to regret that. I have enough White to forgive myself for it. My Red thinks I'm wasting my time missing Yellow, my Blue thinks my Red is being mean, and my White wishes that Red and Blue would both just calm the heck down and think about things in the greater scheme of existentialism.

Right now, I am feeling very frustrated with the world at large and my place within it's varying opinions. I have opinions that differ with many of my family, friends, and peers, and I can't seem to shut up about them, which I can feel is creating gaps. Then again, when someone agrees with me, I am over the moon and further motivated to share my thoughts, which inevitably makes someone else uncomfortable and ends with me questioning myself all over again. I'll read one opinion piece and completely agree and tell everyone how much I agree. Then I read a rebuttal and agree with parts of that too but don't know how to respond and then I second guess both my earlier opinion and the one that follows. I find myself continually asking, "What is Right?" because Reds want to do things the right way. But what is right? What is right? What is right? There are a lot of people telling me what is right and as a Blue I am motivated to agree, but then they disagree with each other which makes my White hesitant to trust either of them. And then there are people telling me what is wrong, and that gets my Red up because I hate being questioned.

So, what's the point of this post? I don't know. My Red says that it's to educate all you people so you better understand me, my Blue says it's to help you understand me in hopes of better understanding yourself, and my White says that it's because with understanding comes a sense of comfort and peace and who doesn't need more of that in their lives? My Red wants to share all my political opinions about everything tell people how wrong they are when they don't see things my way, my Blue wants to retain a neutral presence and encourage everyone to find their own foundation, and my White doesn't want to rock the boat.

The real point of this post, I think, is to help me try and make sense of myself. The fact is that I am Red. Red is awesome--it's Red's who run the world and keep it going. So, how can I be my best Red? Can I use my Blue to temper my Red without taking away the great things about being Red? How can I let the quiet strength of my White show through the loudness of my Red?

I guess that's my course right now--learning from myself and others and trying to embrace the best of all three of my colors. They all have strengths and they all have weaknesses, but sometimes it's hard to tell the difference. I want to be Red. And Blue. And White.

As for Yellow--well, I haven't really missed it and I have enough to worry about (Blue) without adding that to the list (Red.) And I have a whole bunch of lists :-)

Another Question: Why do I hate holidays? Alisha

Why is it that you are a scrooge about the holidays? (asked with a smile) I'm trying to remember a holiday that you didn't comment about looking forward to being over. :) 

 There is a short answer and a long answer to this question:

Short: I'm not a fun person.

Long:

Holidays, for the most part, are a bother for me. I like the family part, I like the days off part, and I like the opportunity to reflect on the focus of that holiday. All that's good and if that was all the holidays were, I would be as Bob Cratchit as the rest of all y'all. However, that seems to comprise about, oh, 5% of any given holiday. The rest of it is crap. 

Crap as in:

Decorations: Cost a lot of money, clutter up my house, take up space to store for the other 11 months of the year, break, don't match each other let alone my regular home decor, and are never quite right. They go out of style, they displace other things I would prefer to look at, and, let's face it, most of them are cheesy. I mean, really, how many black cat candle holders do you need? And would any of us CHOOSE to decorate our living room with fat men and snowflakes full time. No. If we WANTED to decorate our house that way, we would do it year round. So why bother with it for one month? And I don't even mind the basic decorating, like a christmas tree. Christmas trees are awesome. Unless they are real. They they are a nasty mess. But you can't JUST do a Christmas tree. You have to have stockings and froo-froo stuff all over the place. My living room ends up looking like a garage sale, and yet many of the things I put up have some sentimental meaning, so then I feel guilty for making squinty eyes at them all the time.

Money: Some of you don't believe me when I say this, but I am cheap. Yes, I will spend money on things, but I prefer to spend as little as possible on things that matter. Every time I go to pick out a gift for someone else I wonder if this will be important to them, or if it will end up at DI next summer. This holds for any holiday, not just Christmas. I work very hard to get the 'perfect' gift, but in all my years I think I've managed to do that, like, twice. So, I always feel like I'm wasting my money. And then, after the holiday passes, I'm certain that I should have gotten them THIS instead of THAT and if I were just a more in tune I'd have gotten it write the first time. There's also money on food, dishes, postage, all those things that add up quickly and manage to suck the fun out of most holidays for me. I have a budget, and it always gets blown when a holiday comes up, and I have to spend the next month recovering, which is why we have cheap dog food. Sorry Tex.

Pictures: I hate taking pictures. I really do. I love having them, but I hate taking them because in order to take the pictures, you have to step out of the moment. Rather than watch my child blow out candles, I'm taking shots, then going through them to delete the ones that don't work. If there are several people we want recorded, I will inevitably leave someone out. Then there's the added frustration of feeling like I'm making myself the center of attention. Everyone notices the person taking pictures, and either tries to look cute, or tries to avoid them. I would like to just enjoy the moment and not worry about preserving it, or worry about what my hair looks like, or how clean my kitchen is. Every holiday, however, it is requisite that the pictures get taken and since no one else thinks of doing it, I either step out of the moment and feel awkward and do it, or I don't do it and then regret having not captured the moment. It's yet one more source of stress.

Distraction: Probably the biggest reason I dislike all of the above entitles aspects of the holidays is that I do not have the attention span to give these things the time they need, and still get the 'point' of the holiday. Halloween should be a fun time with my kids where we read spooky stories, dress up and eat candy. Instead all the decorations, picture taking, and money take away from that for me to the point where I just want it over with. Same with Christmas, Easter, and the 4th of July. They are just too busy and after all the prep and planning are done, I'm burnt out. Again, I still enjoy the family time and I try to let myself remember the point of it all, but more often than not at the end of that day I'm so very glad it's over.

Perfectionism: I like things to be just right, and nothing ever is. For each holiday I tend to build up how I want things to be; the traditions I'd like to start, the closeness I'd like to have, the peace I'd like to feel. But the irony is I'm not very good at being in the moment, I'm usually thinking ahead (or taking pictures) and so I end up regretting how I spent my time, wishing I'd done better. I agree it's dumb and with this amazing insight I have, I should fix it. But I don't know how to do that, so I just keep trying a little at a time.

All that said, I do enjoy the actual holiday itself. I like to give gifts (and getting gifts doesn't suck either), I love seeing the kids light up with all the fun holiday stuff, I like fireworks (kinda), and New Year's kisses. I love the food and playing games. Those things are awesome and I do realize that without all the other crap, I wouldn't get those moments. So, for that reason, I guess it's all worth it, but the annoyances are still there, taunting me every few months. 

Won't I be a fun Grandma?

My favorite holiday is Thanksgiving. It's all about food and hanging out with friends and family. Not much wrangling and decoration expectations. I wish they were all like that.

And, to be just a little more obnoxious, one of my favoritest things about Christmas are the cards. Both giving and receiving them. It makes no sense since they are a lot of work and quite a fair amount of money, but I love em and Lee and I fight about how long I can keep them up on the wall. So far I've got him convinced that taking them down before Valentine's Day is a sin.

So, Alisha, aren't you glad you asked? I bet you can't wait to spend a holiday with me now, can you :-)

  

If you're not happy and you know it. . .

I'm not happy.

I'm very very very very not happy. And I have lots of reasons:

1) Today is the second day of my isagenix cleanse. My intake consists of 2 oz. of the Isogenix supreme guck that tastes like Blackberry Brandy mixed with BBQ sauce. Nasty. Then, four times a day I chug 4 oz. of this cleanse juice muck that tastes like fermented snow cone syrup without the sugar. I'm allowed a few 'cheats' so yesterday I combined them at dinner and had a salad made of spring greens, tomatoes, cucumbers and a hard boiled egg with lemon juice as dressing. It was the best and worst salad I've ever had in my life. I bought these special Isadelight things which are chocolates you can have to help when you feel like you're starving to death. I was very much looking forward to them and was disappointed--Annette Lyon would be appalled that they are called chocolate at all. They are really hard, bitter, dark chocolate that only makes me feel more sorry for myself. The good news, I can have 6 of those tasty morsels every day! Tomorrow I go back to shakes and I can't wait. Right now I feel sick to my stomach and tired since I didn't sleep very well all night and I honestly kept dreaming about food. The energy/mood enhancement I felt before has flushed itself along with the 70 oz of water I'm drinking every day. The ONLY reason I'm still doing this is because I did my weigh and measuring thing before I started the cleanse, and in the 5 days on the program I lost almost 7 inches (2.5 around my waist) and nearly 5 pounds (I know, I hardly believe it myself). The cleanse supposedly increases all that so I'm sticking with it but I am really not happy--did I mention that?

2) A year ago I purchased a set of digital scrapbooks--biting off way more than I could chew as usual. I finished one book--a wedding album I have wanted since the wedding and never did. I am currently working on a 2007 family album. I had some stress because I'd bought a bunch of different 'books' and you only have a year to work on them. No way was I going to use them in time. And yet I was being charged extra for the extra pages I was putting in my 2007 book. Last week my consultant went to bat for me and I will be able to use the 'credits' of the projects I won't be using toward the extra pages--all good news. So today, I woke up early and came to my husband's office where the internet is faster than home. At home it takes me FOREVER to do this digital scrapbooking, often my pages time out before they load everything up. I have to get this book done before we go on our family vacation in 2 weeks and figured I could get most of what's left finished this morning. So I get up early, chug my morning muck, and get down here to find that I need to pay for my studio things (the digital version of paper, stickers, lettering etc)--but it won't take either credit card and customer service doesn't open until 9:00. A lovely waste of my time.

3) I'm doing a yard sale with a friend tomorrow. I have cleared out a lot of closets and basement and am gearing up for the event, but I really hate yard sales. No, I don't want this stuff anymore, but do we really need to ague about the price of quilt batting? I have a fabulous memory when it comes to prices and I know I paid $8 for that batting and yet I know someone will say "Fifty cents? I'll give you a quarter". Yard sell buyers are merciless and it really ticks me off. I did promise my husband that whatever doesn't sell will go to DI--but I just wish it was over already. I haven't done one for about 10 years and the stress of all this has reminded me why that is.

4) I dropped a dog house on my toe on Saturday. It was an awful messy ordeal and I limped all weekend. I haven't gone running all week because it's still be sore. Today I put on my running shoes, although the idea of going for a run makes me dizzy in my current physical state, but I was hoping they wouldn't hurt my feet so that I could 'think' about running next week. But they hurt--they hurt bad and because I'm in the mood to whine and feel sorry for myself it's just one more thing.

Anyway--there were some questions about how long I'm doing this Isagenix thing. They have a variety of programs. What I'm doing right now is the 30 day Health and Wellness (the two shakes a day plus supplements) it's their weight loss program and some people stay on it for several months, I'm just using it as a jump start and next month I will go on their 30 day maintenance program which is one shake a day plus supplements. But in addition to the 30 day program I'm on, I chose to do a 9 day cleanse in the middle, to get even faster results. I'm glad to be losing the inches and the weight, but since I did this mostly for emotional wellness, and I'm feeling so cruddy right now, I'm not sure I should have done the 9 day cleanse. However, I'm nothing if not masochistic so I'll finish it off. After the two days I'm doing right now, I'll do 5 shake days (like I did before the cleanse) and then do two more days of this cleanse crap. I'm really looking forward to all that, as I've made abundantly clear.

Did you know you can't put a ! in the labels field on blogger--that's just lame!