The Benefit of a Bad Review

In February of this year, I had my first ever Publisher's Weekly Review. Not only was it a good review of "A Heart Revealed", it was a starred review--a week later I got a starred Kirkus review too! I blogged about these awesome reviews HERE and I was over the moon! I was writing a new genre and I so wanted the reception to be a good one. And it was. 

Hooray! 

Life is Good!

I have arrived!

But in the back of my mind was that niggling creature of doubt. Did I just get lucky in the reviewer who happened to get my book on their desk? Was this book the best thing I'll ever write? Will the book I'm working on be equal to it? Will it be a one hit wonder? Will the industry reviews translate the way my publisher hopes it will?

I didn't move these doubts to center stage--advice I would give to anyone--but I never forgot they were there. They gave me both encouragement to do my best work and validation that, in this book, it seems that I had. 

My next regency, "Lord Fenton's Folly" came out in the fall and I eagerly/anxiously waited for the PW and Kirkus reviews. Would they also be starred reviews? 

They were not. 
In fact, Kirkus said this: "Occasionally slow-moving, but an interesting take on respect and respectability and the choices a noble family must make when things go awry."

And then PW said this: "There’s something tawdry about putting “I believe romances are for silly girls or homely ones” in the mouth of a romantic heroine. A book would have to be a comic gem or a profound character exploration to recover from that slap to the reader’s face, and Kilpack’s second Regency (after A Heart Revealed) is merely a solid piece of genre writing, with no particular feel for its period but some nice imaginative touches."

And this: "There’s good stuff here, but it takes 100 pages to find it."

Umm ... well ... ouch.

There were other good reviews--Foreward, for instance, said "This novel will be a joy for any lover of true romance."

But I think most people agree with me in that the negative ones are the reviews that stick in your craw. They sap your creative energy like siphoned gas from your tank. Whatever you're working on is suddenly the enemy--it could bring this same experience again. You're embarrassed, you're discouraged, and it is very, very hard to pull yourself out of the funk that a few words throw you in to. To say nothing about those "few words" being on the internet and therefore eternal. I absolutely felt all of those things. I limped to some friends with my tail between my legs. I wallowed and felt like a loser. 

And then. 

I sat very still and realized that there was a new feeling--something I hadn't noticed amid the shame I felt. 

Relief. 

The fact is, I know I'm not all that. I love to write and I love my stories and I am beyond grateful when professionals validate that, but I'm not The Great American Novelist. I still have learning to do, and a bad review confirms that. It proves to me that I can't rest upon my laurels. It reminds me that I grow personally as I face challenges in my craft, and I need that personal growth. It gives me new goals to set and spurs me to be more objective about my work. I need that objectivity--every writer I know needs it--and a bad review is kind of a scraped knee in the pursuit of balance and skill necessary toward improvement. Sometimes we need people to tell us we can do better.

On the flip side of needed humility, I also need to love my work outside of what other people might say. That doesn't mean I'm not writing to an audience, I am, but I need to have my own separate relationship with my stories. "I" need to be their biggest fan, rather than waiting to see if other people like it before I make my own decision. In regard to the PW review where the reviewer highlighted one sentence that she felt offensive toward readers--we got the review before my publisher had sent the final edit to the printer. They gave me the option of changing that line if I wanted to. I spent hours redrafting that scene, anxious to avoid offending my readers, but some good friends encouraged me to think twice and my publisher was not asking me to change it. I again had to sit very still and look closely at that line. What was its purpose? Why did I have that particular sentence there in the first place? I was able to remember that the reason I wrote that line was to define an aspect of my character--a girl who was not false or cruel, but who makes a false and cruel comment because she wants the boy to like her. Who hasn't done that before? In the course of the story, while Alice never reflects on that line again, she comes to hide herself in similar things as a form of protecting herself. Her protection becomes much more extreme than an off hand remark--but that remark was the first of her falseness. I kept the line in the book. I owned it. And, quite frankly, I love it. I loved what that one sentence did for a story. I feel a kind of healing in the stories I write, a redemption of some small part of my own life or past that, through my characters, I get to relive and conquer. And that story healed something important for me regardless of what that reviewer thought. That doesn't mean that I can be wiley niley about the words I use, and I need to be wise, but I do not need to dispose of my love or healing simply because someone else didn't feel something the way I did.

I did not link my book to the poor reviews the way I linked "A Heart Revealed" to its starred reviews. I did not post the reviews on Facebook and I kind of held my breath when the book came out, wondering if other readers and reviewers would find the line offensive and the story weak. I was glad to have rediscovered my own love of that story, but I also need to sell books and if this book was a commercial flop I could be in trouble. However, the reviews began to come in and although not everyone loved it, most people did. A few people went out of their way to tell me is was their favorite book I had written. What I realized is that everyone, including myself, "gets" to have a different experience. Some people will be put off by something, other people will be drawn in by something else. For some people any book will be a waste of time, for other's it will make for a cozy afternoon, for others it will leave them thinking on something for days afterward. Just last week a reader sent me a link to a blog post she did about part of the book. It was beautiful, and allowed me to look more deeply at something I had written. You would think I would have the greatest insight, but I didn't, she did. You can read her blog HERE. 

In the bible it says that God can make "Beauty for ashes" and work evil "For our good." A bad review is certainly not evil, nor is it ashes, but it did compute to embarrassment and self doubt that, once I took the time to ponder and think, became something beautiful for me. It's made me think of other negatives in my life and how, between God and I, we might make them be for good. The tragic death of my brother has helped me to value life and try to be more attentive to those who find themselves in dark corners. A toxic friend has helped me mind my own tongue better. A difficult vice has turned me to God for help and grown sympathy towards others I have judged harshly. And, because of poor reviews, I have the motivation to be objective about my work and improve my craft, they have helped me to find my own love for a thing outside of anyone else's, and to cherish and appreciate those who see what I wanted them to see. I can be better for a bad review so long as I don't allow myself to stay in the "Molasses Swamp" of regret and shame for too long. I can also be better at sharing my enjoyment of someone else's work, so that the author gets to feel the validation we all need. There are critics everywhere, and we need them, but we also need cheerleaders and I very much hope to be a cheerleader for others rather than a critical voice (unless they specifically ask me to be critical, which some people do :-) )

There is relief in having someone else say that there is room for improvement--I would be very disappointed to learn I'll never be better than I am right now. 

To read the full PW review, go HERE
To read the full Kirkus review, go HERE
To read the Foreward review, which I appreciated SO much, go HERE

To share snippets of your own poor reviews, or experiences where ashes turned to beauty, please comment!

Seeing Red? It's Just my Color Code showing.

Back in high-school (21 years ago, yikes!) I had a Psychology class where the teacher had us take a color coded personality test. The colors were green, gold, orange, and one I can't remember. I remember that most of the kids in that class were orange--which our teacher predicted. I was not orange which I found a little embarrassing--orange was basically "fun" and what 17 year old didn't want to be fun? I think I was gold--can't remember for sure--but I do know that whatever color I was reflected that I was practical and determined--only one other kid in the class was the same color as me.
Life moved on and low and behold, I continued not to be fun and grew in both practicality and determination. About ten years after this high-school profile, I was introduced to The Color Code, a book by Taylor Hartman which was similar to that green/gold personality profile I'd taken in high-school. I bought the book and took the test to determine what color my personality was. Here's the basic color mapping:

Red: The Power Wielders
Reds have the most dominate, intimidating personality. Expressing themselves emotionally is uncomfortable and creates the vulnerability they typically avoid.

Blues: Do-Gooders
Life cannot bestow on anyone
a more grtifying reward
than the sincere appreciation
and trust of a Blue friend,
employer, or family member.

Whites: Peacemakers
Whites offer us all
a model for gentle
human dignity.

Yellow: The Fun Lovers
Happy is as happy does. Yellow people love themselves because they know exactly what they love to do and always find the time and resources to do it.

No one is all of just one color, but when I did my profile I was a bit dismayed at the results. I thought I was a Blue/White, with a little Red mixed in to make sure I was on time for appointments. Instead I was very Red, with some Blue, a little White and absolutely no Yellow. NO YELLOW. Not even one stupid answer came out Yellow!

If you go back and read those personality descriptions (they are from the chapter headings of the book) you'll notice that only Red points out the negatives of that personality type. With great power comes great responsibility, I gather.

Basically, Reds are hungry for power, want to be productive, want to look good to others, shouldn't be taken too seriously, and seek leadership. This also means that they have strong opinions, get frustrated with other peoples opinions, get the work done, often have a big mouth, and tend to keep people at an emotional distance. They like to be in charge, they like to debate, and operate from a practical and logical place. It sounds like I'm portraying these negatively, but in my mind, I see most of these as good things. However, I have just enough Blue in me to feel bad about that.

Blues are motivated by altruism (which means helping others), seek intimacy, crave being understood, need to be remembered and appreciated and are directed by strong moral conscience. Basically, they are nurturers and want the world to be a better place. They like understanding and getting along and want people to be happy and comfortable.

Not-so-surprisingly, Red/Blue is one of the trickier personality profile out there because so many of the personality traits work against each other. Basically, I am this:

• I have really strong opinions I share easily but then feel bad when people don't agree with me.
• I like to give other people opportunities to feel the success of leadership, but I want to do it myself.
• I can do almost anything (as far as role/organization/commitment) but I want to do it my way.
• I'll feel bad for not wanting to do it your way if I bowl you over.
• I share opinions then regret them later and want a do over.
• I hate hurting people's feelings but often roll over them to get my way.
• I have emotional baggage but don't let it get in the way of progress.
• I am impatient with other people's emotional baggage but feel like a creep about it.
• Accomplishment is important to me but I worry it makes others uncomfortable.
• When I hold back, I often regret it.
• When I put it all out there, I often regret it.
• I am very confident in my opinions.
• I second guess everything.

I am about 60% Red, 30% Blue, and 10% White. Seeing as how I have no Yellow, it perhaps makes sense that I hate Disneyland, don't make room for play in my life, and tend to prefer small groups or no groups when it comes to down time. My idea of 'fun' is lunch with a friend, reading a book--alone--or creating something. When I exercise it's about accomplishing a goal rather than enjoying the invigoration or the sunshine. I really don't see this lack of fun as a drawback--but I know other people do and I have enough Blue to regret that. I have enough White to forgive myself for it. My Red thinks I'm wasting my time missing Yellow, my Blue thinks my Red is being mean, and my White wishes that Red and Blue would both just calm the heck down and think about things in the greater scheme of existentialism.

Right now, I am feeling very frustrated with the world at large and my place within it's varying opinions. I have opinions that differ with many of my family, friends, and peers, and I can't seem to shut up about them, which I can feel is creating gaps. Then again, when someone agrees with me, I am over the moon and further motivated to share my thoughts, which inevitably makes someone else uncomfortable and ends with me questioning myself all over again. I'll read one opinion piece and completely agree and tell everyone how much I agree. Then I read a rebuttal and agree with parts of that too but don't know how to respond and then I second guess both my earlier opinion and the one that follows. I find myself continually asking, "What is Right?" because Reds want to do things the right way. But what is right? What is right? What is right? There are a lot of people telling me what is right and as a Blue I am motivated to agree, but then they disagree with each other which makes my White hesitant to trust either of them. And then there are people telling me what is wrong, and that gets my Red up because I hate being questioned.

So, what's the point of this post? I don't know. My Red says that it's to educate all you people so you better understand me, my Blue says it's to help you understand me in hopes of better understanding yourself, and my White says that it's because with understanding comes a sense of comfort and peace and who doesn't need more of that in their lives? My Red wants to share all my political opinions about everything tell people how wrong they are when they don't see things my way, my Blue wants to retain a neutral presence and encourage everyone to find their own foundation, and my White doesn't want to rock the boat.

The real point of this post, I think, is to help me try and make sense of myself. The fact is that I am Red. Red is awesome--it's Red's who run the world and keep it going. So, how can I be my best Red? Can I use my Blue to temper my Red without taking away the great things about being Red? How can I let the quiet strength of my White show through the loudness of my Red?

I guess that's my course right now--learning from myself and others and trying to embrace the best of all three of my colors. They all have strengths and they all have weaknesses, but sometimes it's hard to tell the difference. I want to be Red. And Blue. And White.

As for Yellow--well, I haven't really missed it and I have enough to worry about (Blue) without adding that to the list (Red.) And I have a whole bunch of lists :-)

Set up for Success

I had a great day yesterday--I did a career presentation at a jr. high school, which is always fun, but in addition to the kids I had a mom and a couple of teachers come into the presentation. The mom, Wendy, will be attending the LDStorymakers conference and I had the chance to chat with her about her writing, which is always inspiring to me. I just love people with passion and hearing about theirs sparks my own.

After the career day I got to be part of the ribbon cutting for Deseret Book's "Flagship" store in Downtown Salt Lake. I arrived feeling a little awkward, not realizing until I rushed in, heaving due to the run in heels I'd just finished, that it was an open house. I wasn't late and didn't need to risk life and limb to get there. And I didn't recognize anyone. So I started wandering, feeling out of place and telling myself not to. The first person I recognized was Michael McLean. I didn't know him, but I knew who he was. He was talking to a cute blond. I continued browsing. I saw Sheri Dew, but I don't think she knows who I am--Emily Watts does, though, and I chatted with her for a minute. Leigh Dethman is an employee at Deseret Book Corporate who just always seems to be helping me out. I got to chat with her...and then wandered again, wondering if I shouldn't have come. I was feeling like the loser wanna-be kid and wished I'd bribed my husband to come with me. This went on for about fifteen minutes and then I turned a corner just as Micheal McLean (blond-less) adjusted his name tag. He looked at me and asked if it was straight.

"Um, yeah," I said, not knowing what else to say. He immediately put out his hand and introduced himself. I said I was pleased to meet him and asked how was he doing.

"For a middle aged clinically depressed type two diabetic, I'm doing great!"

How do you not laugh at that? He asked about me, had me show him my books, showed me his book/CD (Mission to be Happy--very cute) and essentially removed all my awkwardness, introducing me as his new BFF. I met Grant Neilson from KSL as well as a few Deseret Book (heretofore referred to as DB cause I'm tired of spelling it) employees. Not long after that the 'cute blonde' he'd been talking to approached me. Turned out she was Jaime Lawson with LDS living magazine. She talked to me about a fun project she'd like to do with my Sadie books, and then I completely monopolized her so that I didn't have to be alone again. We got our yummy lunch, I met the rest of the LDS living staff, learned more about Jaime and got to see the ribbon cutting. Michael and I swapped books, I said hi to a few more people and then headed home--glad to have gone, gladder to have had Micheal and Jaime to make it more comfortable for me.

After a blessed 30 minutes of peace and quiet, the kids came home and the afternoon games begin. I chauffeured and shuffled and wrote checks and dropped off recycling and assigned chores and cleaned the kitchen--typical stuff, then I got to go to the office and have my write nite while Lee held down the fort. My write nite partners, Nancy Campbell Allen and Jen Moore, came as well and I made some progress with my revisions, cleaned up some e-mail folders and toured blogs--I have been horrible on reading other blogs lately, shame on me.

And after I got home and snuggled into bed I thought about the day and something Micheal had said. He has a blog that he started January 1 2010 where he writes one thing for each day that made him happy. He said that even on tough days there is usually something beautiful or inspiring or kind that he's seen or done. I thought over my day--there were a lot of good things. But the thing that stood out was when I was teaching the career day and going over things writers needed in additon to being able to write. One of those things is confidence. Telling a fourteen year old kid to be confident is kind of like trying to explain the color red to a blind person. Even if they have it, they don't really know they do. And it's something I've struggled with and continue to struggle with all the time. Even if I'm confident in one area, I'm always feeling not-quite-right about several others, and yet I can see the growth within myself. As I looked at those kids and remembered 14 I was a little overwhelmed with all the great things I have in my life--and I realized how essential confidence is to all those things. That was the moment that stood out to me today--both a realization of my own relationship to the topic and the chance to advise these kids on how to find it.

So, how do we find 'confidence'--well, I have an easy answer. You might even call it simplistic, but it's what worked for me and it's what I look for every time I feel my confidence waning--the key to confidence is by succeeding at something. I'm not saying big things like climbing Everest or learning a foreign language--those things are actually an accumulation of thousands of little successes. I mean little things like walking a mile or learning how to say hello in Italian. Find something you CAN do, and do it. When you achieve it, celebrate it. One way to celebrate is to have a reward for yourself, another one is to find other people who will celebrate with you, a third one is to write it down. If nothing else, post it as your status on facebook--your friends will cheer you on and you'll gain confidence by making note of what you've done well. DON'T get caught up in the "It wasn't enough" or "I should have done THIS" just enjoy what you DID do. Sometimes it's setting a goal and accomplishing it, other times it's just realizing you did something well when the opportunity presented itself. If it is a goal, make sure the end result isn't dependant on someone else, like "I will take first place" or "I will convince my husband to rub my feet" you have limited control over those types of situations, and if you fail, then you can affect your confidence in the negative. Beat your own time, speak nicer to your husband, submit your book (don't set the goal to get it published in 30 days), put on make-up that day, lose five pounds--things in your power. And, again, celebrate!

Here are my successes from yesterday:
*I had the right time, day, and location for the career day! YEAH ME!
*I was on time and my power point worked! YEAH ME!
*Michael McLean now knows who I am! YEAH ME!
*I get to do a project with LDS Living! YEAH ME!
*I got the piles of recycling off my back porch! YEAH ME!
*I helped KB finish a stupid school project we put off until the last day! YEAH ME!
*I did a write nite without Coke Zero! YEAH ME!


So, this morning I went to Michael's blog to see what his happy moment was from yesterday. No, it wasn't meeting me--it was his grandson going poop in the potty for the first time :-)

Now, what's your "Yeah Me" and what are your ideas on how we can grow our confidence in ourselves?