On Sunday my hard drive crashed. I have a Mac that I fairly worship (as anyone who has heard me pontificate can attest) It's not supposed to crash. It's supposed to be celestial, alas--it is not. I had subscribed to a backup program several months ago, but cheaped out on the storage space and decided I only wanted to back up my documents.
NOT my photos
NOT my financial systems
NOT my e-mails
NOT my address book
Who needs family photos organized into months just waiting to be put into an online 2008 digital scrapbook, right? Who needs the 200 ward photos collected over the last year so that I can put together the ward DVD? Who needs to know what's been paid to whom for the coming tax season? Who needs the fan mail, registration reminders, passwords, recipes, etc that were saved in my numerous e-mail folders? Who needs the 300 email addresses I've spent six years compiling for my newsletter lists?
Apparently, I didn't value these things enough to take care of them. I had made no CD back ups, I had deleted all photos from my digital camera, I had not saved my address book as a document. They are gone unless by some miracle the tech at the store is able to salvage anything for the $80/hour data retrieval I'm taking my hold hard drive into for today. He told me not to hold my breath. I've spent the last 2 days trying to figure out the back up program and have managed to restore my documents. I'm very happy about that, but it doesn't take the pain of losing everything else away.
If it was only my computer that crashed, I'd be okay. I could just pick up and move forward--like I usually do. Mourn a little, rant about my ignorance, and work on getting over it. But someone I love very much emotionally crashed as well. I absolutely hate the feeling of helplessness and I'm being told that I have no responsibility in the personal issues that are pressing against me. I'm told that it's her problem. Well, if I have no responsibility then I'm helpless to help her. Kind of like my computer. I know I was ignorant and lazy in my backup practices--and now I'm paying for that. I'm learning to be more prepared. I can fix it in the future because I know I was irresponsible and I can fix that. However, if this problem she's dealing with isn't because of anything I've done or not done, then how can I do anything about it? I'm either responsible or I'm helpless--give me one of them so I know where I stand! As it is I feel impotent on every front, dependant on other people to help both sides of my melt down while I flutter around in the middle.
I wish I could sleep for the next two years, except that I'm getting old enough to know that though time heals all wounds, it continually brings new ones with it. I'd wake up just as battered.
However, I've learned a few things over the last few days:
1--Even when I yell at God he doesn't yell back, but most everyone else does
2--Having faith in inadequacy results in failure
3--Eye make-up is not for the emotionally unstable
4--Talking about things doesn't always help
5--Talking to therapists sometimes does
6--Home is only a happy place when the people in it are smiling
7--I can pretend to be fine even when I'm screaming inside
8--Alone in the car is the best place to cry
9--There are far worse things than computer crashes
10--Without the gospel none of it would be worth it--and sometimes it's hard to remember that the gospel helps that much. That's where testimony comes in handy--I know I know it even when I don't feel it.
The purpose of this post is to, well, throw a little self-pity and rediculous emotion into the universe I guess. The world always needs a little more of that, right?