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Thursday, October 23, 2008

CRASH

On Sunday my hard drive crashed. I have a Mac that I fairly worship (as anyone who has heard me pontificate can attest) It's not supposed to crash. It's supposed to be celestial, alas--it is not. I had subscribed to a backup program several months ago, but cheaped out on the storage space and decided I only wanted to back up my documents.

NOT my photos
NOT my financial systems
NOT my e-mails
NOT my address book

Who needs family photos organized into months just waiting to be put into an online 2008 digital scrapbook, right? Who needs the 200 ward photos collected over the last year so that I can put together the ward DVD? Who needs to know what's been paid to whom for the coming tax season? Who needs the fan mail, registration reminders, passwords, recipes, etc that were saved in my numerous e-mail folders? Who needs the 300 email addresses I've spent six years compiling for my newsletter lists?

Apparently, I didn't value these things enough to take care of them. I had made no CD back ups, I had deleted all photos from my digital camera, I had not saved my address book as a document. They are gone unless by some miracle the tech at the store is able to salvage anything for the $80/hour data retrieval I'm taking my hold hard drive into for today. He told me not to hold my breath. I've spent the last 2 days trying to figure out the back up program and have managed to restore my documents. I'm very happy about that, but it doesn't take the pain of losing everything else away.

If it was only my computer that crashed, I'd be okay. I could just pick up and move forward--like I usually do. Mourn a little, rant about my ignorance, and work on getting over it. But someone I love very much emotionally crashed as well. I absolutely hate the feeling of helplessness and I'm being told that I have no responsibility in the personal issues that are pressing against me. I'm told that it's her problem. Well, if I have no responsibility then I'm helpless to help her. Kind of like my computer. I know I was ignorant and lazy in my backup practices--and now I'm paying for that. I'm learning to be more prepared. I can fix it in the future because I know I was irresponsible and I can fix that. However, if this problem she's dealing with isn't because of anything I've done or not done, then how can I do anything about it? I'm either responsible or I'm helpless--give me one of them so I know where I stand! As it is I feel impotent on every front, dependant on other people to help both sides of my melt down while I flutter around in the middle.

I wish I could sleep for the next two years, except that I'm getting old enough to know that though time heals all wounds, it continually brings new ones with it. I'd wake up just as battered.

However, I've learned a few things over the last few days:

1--Even when I yell at God he doesn't yell back, but most everyone else does
2--Having faith in inadequacy results in failure
3--Eye make-up is not for the emotionally unstable
4--Talking about things doesn't always help
5--Talking to therapists sometimes does
6--Home is only a happy place when the people in it are smiling
7--I can pretend to be fine even when I'm screaming inside
8--Alone in the car is the best place to cry
9--There are far worse things than computer crashes
10--Without the gospel none of it would be worth it--and sometimes it's hard to remember that the gospel helps that much. That's where testimony comes in handy--I know I know it even when I don't feel it.

The purpose of this post is to, well, throw a little self-pity and rediculous emotion into the universe I guess. The world always needs a little more of that, right?

17 comments:

Annette Lyon said...

Oh, man, Josi. I'm so sorry. I hope whatever's going on gets better, and soon.

Stephanie Humphreys said...

Sorry things are rough right now. Hang in there. Sounds like you've learned some important things in the last few days. Now I think I will go back up EVERYTHING.

heatherbmoore01@hotmail.com said...

How horrible!

I mysteriously lost all the picture files on my computer several months back.

Sandra said...

Sending Hugs, Kisses, Kleenex and prayers your way.

Melanie J said...

That's such a bummer. But I like how you take responsibility for it. Things go wrong around here all the time because I don't plan well, but I manage to find a way to place the blame somewhere else. It's good to remember that grown-ups aren't supposed to do that.

Weston Elliott said...

Better to throw the negativity out into the universe than to keep it inside where it would eat your spleen.
What's that old saying:

Grief shared is grief halved, joy shared is joy doubled.

Share away... :)

hi, it's me! melissa c said...

I am SO sorry to hear about your computer.

I used to use a mac. It crashed and had so many problems that I switched to a PC which I have loved. Weird isn't it how different we all are?

Anyway, I'd get an external hard drive. That is what I use and it's fast, easy and holds a lot! they are small and can be taken anywhere with you.

I use one called "Seagate". LOve it.

alisha said...

Ahhh...stress. That is so frustrating! My heart goes out to you, I would be so upset, too. I'm crossing my fingers for the tech to be able to recover more for you.

I hope everything else gets worked out, too. I, also, used to hope to be able to be (or at least see) my life 6 months or a year from the present assuming that the stress would be past. But then I also realized that I'd probably be depressed to see the new trials and I'm much better off just enjoying life in the present.

Good luck with it all.

Laree said...

I'm so sorry! That totally whomps. Our hard drive crashed when my girl was 8 months old. My hubby said he'd backed up all the pictures - but he had't done it in 4 months. We lost 300 pictures. It was so sad! I'm feeling for you!

Lindzee said...

I'm so sorry, Josi, that's horrible! Maybe they'll be able to retrieve everything. My computer crashed a few years back and I bawled for days, but after like 3 weeks of work my uncle, who's in computers, was able to retrieve everything. I hope you can get your stuff back and things start getting better for you. :( Go buy yourself some ice cream.

An Ordinary Mom said...

OK, you have inspired me to make sure everything on my computer is backed up. Now I just need to get a plan of action going.

Hope everything else improves soon.

Anna said...

My computer had some issues right before we had our fire. Then after the fire and moving out while we remodeled, I didn't really have access to my computer.

Anyway, I am pretty sure we lost about 6 months of pictures from my daughter.

Luckily we didn't really lose much from the fire.. just had a reason to finally throw out those old awful couches we had. But after thinking, I realized that really nothing is more important that having the family with me. Pictures are definately nice, but more nice is having the family.

Anyway, all that to just say that sometimes when it really comes down to it... stuff is just stuff.

I hope things do work out for you though and you are able to get some of your stuff retrieved. When we moved back in, I asked my family for any pictures they had of my kids so I could have some pictures. All our backed up CD were packed away still, and I wanted some older pictures of my kids. Maybe some family will have some pictures for you.

Julie Wright said...

Josi, this is seriously heart wrenching. Losing photos would kill me. I think you're awesome and everything will work out. Iv'e been thinking I might make a password protected place on my website that does nightly updates of my hard drive. As Eric Sedin succinctly informed me: there are two types of people--those who have lost a hard drive, and those who will. I've lost one already, but even with that close call, I still get lax.

Annie Valentine said...

Just caught your site from Annette.

Four weeks before my computer crashed I was angelically prompted to sign up for Carbonite. Best thing I ever did, all memories and manuscripts preserved. Hallelujah.

Good luck with the computer.

Jenna Consolo said...

This is so, so horrible. Oh my gosh, it's like my worst nightmare. I am so sorry for you! I also thought Macs weren't supposed to crash. Poor thing, you.

Kristi said...

OH boy....that is NOT fun! I bought an external hard drive a month ago to start using, so I could be more "prepared". Have I used it yet? Nope. This post has inspired me to get on it.

Crystal said...

oh sis-love you! I'm calling you as soon as the kids are asleep