I Feel Good!

Do you ever have days when you just feel good? I have plenty of them when I just feel lousy, but today is not one of them. I feel so good, in fact, that I'm conspiring with my siblings to make someone miserable. That someone would be my dad. It's his birthday tomorrow and since the last few gifts we have given him have fizzled, I decided to do one that while it won't make him happy, it will fit the remembered-by-my-children bill AND his students will get a kick out of it.

What d'ya think?

Maybe you have to know my dad to know how hilarious I am to give him something that is a) Completely impracticle b) silly and c) slightly feminine.

It's just his bum luck to have a birthday at a time when I feel good.

Last week, I'd have bought him socks. The week before that I'd have sent him five bucks and told him to buy something nice for himself (okay, who am I kidding. I usually forget his birthday entirely). That's how those weeks were going for me, but today. WELL, he gets the full benfit of my feeling good.

So, why does Josi feel good?

Let me count the ways:

1) We are finally getting paid from some of our Vendors who have had outstanding invoices for months and months! This means I can pay bills. It's glorious.
2) I'm not DONE with Devil's Food Cake as in finished, but I am DONE with Devil's Food Cake as in I know how it's gunna end so long as I can write down my thoughts without them feeling rediculous.
3) I wore pants today that 6 months ago gave me a stomachache. Now they fit :-)
4) I have strawberries in my fridge at home.
5) We hired a new bookeeper/receptionist for our Vegas location and she's wonderful. All the books are updated. I could just hug her.
6) I've been in Vegas for the last two weeks (two or three days at a time) and I'M NOT THERE RIGHT NOW!
7) While I'm here in Ogden, they are moving to a new office in Vegas and I'M NOT THERE RIGHT NOW!
8) It's sunny, which means I can do the thing I planned to do for scouts today and don't have to make some stupid crap up to do at the last minute.
9) The Qwest guy fixed my internet.
10) I'm doing laundry. I recently went back to having one day for laundry, which is how I did it for years before trying to do a load a day instead. I like one day better--it means that on the day after I finish, 98% of my families clothes are clean!

So, anyway, enjoy my good mood while it lasts. Anyone else feeling good? If so, what's going well?

Book Tour Itinerary!

I am so dang excited for this book tour with Julie--I've never done anything like this and it makes me feel all kinds of adventurous. We are still looking to schedule several evening presentations, so if you live in these areas and have a group you'd like us to meet with, please let us know. We've both presented to all types of groups--youth groups, Releif Society, Bookgroups, writing groups, youth at risk groups. We speak on a variety of subjects from religious to secular--your topic or ours.

Oh, and I'm on Twitter now because I looked at my daily schedule and said "Hey, I've got like 39 seconds between getting home from work and the kids coming home from school, what should I put there?"  I haven't yet figured out how to go about finding people, so if you know how then maybe you can find me first :-)

Without further ado, here's the schedule.

Monday, November 9th

Start: Willard Utah.

*Idaho Falls, ID:  Deseret Book 11:30-12:30
(208) 525-2500

*Boise, ID: Seagull 5:30-7:00

Tuesday, November 10th

*Kennewick, WA: Far West Books & Gifts, 11:00-12:00
(509) 735-1402

*Lake Oswego, OR: Deseret Book 5:00-6:30
639-6359

*Evening Presentation in Lake Oswego?

Wednesday, November 11th

*Cottonwood CA: Classic Books 4:00-5:30
   (530) 347-2200
   
*Evening Presentation in Cottonwood?

Thursday, November 12th

Sacramento Lunch: 12:00-2:00 (details to follow)

*Sacramento, CA: Deseret Book 4:30-6:00
(916) 967-5725
   
*Evening Presentation in Sacramento?

Friday, November 13th

*Oakland, CA: Seagull 11:00-12:00

*Bakersfield, CA: Beehive Books Bakersfield 4:00-5:30
(661) 322-7276

Saturday, November 14th

Ensign books Los Angeles Area: Details to follow

Sunday, November 15th

*Evening Fireside Orange county?

Monday, November 16th

*Orange, CA: Deseret Book (new location: details to follow) 12:00-2:00
279-3960

*Late Lunch 2:30 (details to follow)

Tuesday, November 17th

*Glendale, AZ: Deseret Book12:30-2:00
439-4809

*Late Lunch 2:30 (details to follow)

*Mesa, AZ: Seagull 4:30-6:00

*Evening Presentation in Mesa area?

Wednesday, November 18th

*Tucson AZ: Latter Day Cottage12:30-1:30
885-2635

*Thatcher AZ: Bookworms book signing 4:30-6:00
428-8089

*Evening Presentation in Thatcher?

Thursday November 19th

Start: Thatcher, Arizona

*Chandler, AZ: Deseret Book 12:00-1:00  (480) 899-5469

*Evening Presentation in Las Vegas area?

Friday, November 20th

*Las Vegas, NV: Deseret Book (location not yet confirmed) 11:00-12:30

*St. George, UT: Deseret Book 4:30-6:00
 (435) 628-4495

Saturday, November 21st

*Cedar City, UT: Deseret Book 12:00-1:30
(435) 865-1253

Three Cheers--Ronda Hinrichsen

I've said before that one of the blessings of writing is the really great people it's brought into my life--one of those people is Ronda Hinrichsen. She and I presented at the same Enrichment night--I talked about writing books and she talked about the dozens of articles she'd written over the years. I think she was the one that thought up the idea of forming a writing group. As I came to get to know Ronda, I have been consistently impressed with the woman she is. She played the piano and teaches lessons, sings and teaches lessons, helps run their family farm, and currently serves as the Young Women's president in her ward. She has three kids, two of which are serving missions in Brazil right now and a radiant smile that she liberally applies to life. She's a steady woman, a hard working woman, and a woman who keeps her priorities and principles in the right place at all times. Therefore, it's exciting to see her attaining the goals she has worked toward for so many years.

Throughout the six years we've been in the same writing group, both of us have moved forward and experienced the ups and downs of the writing profession. This week has been a GREAT week for Ronda! She'd had a novel accepted last spring, and finally got the cover and release date this week. You can see it at her BLOG and it will be available in October. She also won first place in the League of Utah Writer's contest for her other book, Trapped--which is an AMAZING story. I can't wait to see what she comes up with next. There are so many not-so-great moments in a writing carreer, and it just thrills me that Ronda has been able to experinece so many of the golden moments this week.

It's exciting to see all the hard work beginning to pay off, and it's only the beginning--Ronda is both talented and persistent, two of the most important things any writer can have.

Way to go Ronda! I wish you the very best. Run over to her blog and give her a pat on the back, she totally deserves it.

Four Sell!

 *My ad as posted on KSL today. It's okay to have a little personality, right? Sales price $9,600 due to the high miles. Actual ad is HERE

*****

THIS is a mini van with style! No, that is not an oxymoron. Seriously, this is loaded.

I'm going to start with the not-quite-perfect parts of my van. Because, while I love and am dang impressed with the condition it is in, we drove it off the lot 6 years ago and we have four kids. This is a working van and some of that 'work' has taken it's toll. However, I'm hoping that my honesty will endear you enough that you read through the good stuff--cause it's pretty awesome.

1) 140K is a lot of miles, I won't argue that point. However, you have to undertand that we live 10 miles from everything, and I work 20 miles away in the other direction. Just to do basic things we have to cover a lot of ground. Most of that ground is affectionately termed I-15 in these parts. So, while the miles are high, most of them are freeway miles. We get 20-25/gallon too, which is dang good for a minivan.

2) There are exactly two tears in the leather interior. They are both on one of the headrests for the middle seats. Apparently, this head rest took a little adventure into the flower bed for an undisclosed amount of time. I cleaned it up once I discovered it among my Petunias, which is when I found the tears. It is also stained from it's adventures and hence is not the prettiest headrest you've ever seen. If I had any idea how the headrest got there, that kid would be so grounded! The rest of the interior is in perfect condition.

3) There is a 3/4 inch scratch in the dashboard above the jockey box. I don't know how it got there. It could be easily covered with a smiley face sticker from wal-mart. Your kids would thing that was very cute.

4) There is some kind of scratch or scrape on each of the four sides of the exterior of the van. This is due to my apparent lack of depth perception. None of them are down to the metal or otherwise serious, but they are there. However, my depth perception aside, I have never been in an accident and there has been no body repair done on the vehicle.

5) About two years after we purchased the van, the headphone system for the DVD began to screech. The kids hated that. The DVD still works, you just have to listen to it through the stereo system. The upside is that the kids don't fight over who gets the nice headphones. I took it to the dealership to get it fixed but or course it didn't do it when it was in the shop. Go figure. I just make sure I take my iPod so I can listen to something other than Scooby Doo.

6) I mentioned the 6 years and 4 kids, right? Yeah, well that kind of equation does not yeild pristine carpets. I think most of it would shampoo out, but there are no guarantees.

There you have it; all the negatives. Now for the good stuff:

DVD, CD/tape stereo, all leather seats, middle seats are removable--I can do it myself--and can be in a variety of arrangements (okay, by variety I mean three, but still, that's cool, right?), back seat folds into back storage compartment, storage compartment is big; like Costco big, and includes a washable bin so that should you spill, I don't know, laundry soap, back there you can clean it up really easy. Duel automatice doors (and let me tell you, it's the coolest thing ever. There are button controls on the key chain and by the steering wheel. You never have to let your kids in and out again!) Power windows & doors, front and back AC/heat, cruise control, seat heaters, an adjustable middle console area, power outlets in the front and the back--we had the AC recharged for the first time in June, so it's nice and cool. Van does great in the snow. Back windows are tinted.

We put new brakes in 5/09 and new tires 8/09. I'm paranoid about breaking down, so we've been obsessive about maintenance and we started using synthetic oil when we hit 100,000 miles. We have had no mechanical problems with this vehicle. Most the maintenance has been done by the dealership. We do not smoke and we do not transport pets in the car.

A couple extra things I love--a 'secret' compartment under the passenger seat; great for hiding cookies. Little hooks that drop down from the 'chicken' bars in the back are perfect for dry cleaning. When the back seat is down and the middle seats are out you can fit like 80 cases of girl scout cookies back there! I think it would fit a full size inflatable mattress too, but I haven't tried it.

We've had this paid off for a few years but want to sell it so we can pay off our other vehicle. It's really been a great car for our family, but one we don't need the way we did in the beginning. If I somehow didn't answer any of your questions, feel free to drop me a line.

Catching up

Well, the monsters went back to school last week--normal kids, like mine, did too. It was fabulous. Not only to have some time in a quiet house, but also to have their brains occupied with something other than facebook, PS2, and picking fights with one another. They like school with varying degrees of enthusiasm but like I tell them "Enjoying what you do is a luxury. Get over it." I like to lift their spirits with inspirational sayings like that. Another favorite is "Don't worry what people think of you, cause they don't." That was one I got from my father, you know, the type you swore you'd never repeat. Yep, I'm repeating and my kids like it about as much as I did back then. Such is the eternal round of parental mistakes.

BEFORE they went back to school, I had the opportunity to do a podcast with the lovely ladies of the LDS Women's Book Review--always an awesome time to chat with these gals, and I got to share the podcast with Michele Holmes, whose second novel, All the Stars in Heaven, has just come out with Covenant. Her first book, Counting Stars won the Whitney Award for romance in 2007. Anyway, it was a fun time. You can listen to or download the podcast HERE.

Included in the podcast is a super-fun-and-exciting announcement--I won't spill the beans here because we're still working on some details, but it's gunna be awesome and if you listen to the podcast you'll have the heads up before I announce it in detail here :-)

AND, I'm on the final, final leg of my current book--Devil's Food Cake. No, I don't know who did it for sure, and I'm not done. Yes, it is giving me an ulcer, which takes a lot of the fun out of the writing process. But, I'm still optimistic that I can have it done by my deadline, which is the 15th. Cross your fingers, light a candle, say a little prayer, bake cookies or something otherwise inspiring if you have a minute. I could use all the help I can get!

So, that's what's up with me. More to come next week, I hope.

The Life She Lived--Anne Creager

I first met Anne about five years ago, I think, at a writer's conference. She was there in her capacity as a teacher, I was there as a writer, and Julie Wright and I ended up sitting with her and a bunch of other strangers. As we ate, we talked and she asked us about our books, we asked her about her teaching and family and eventually it came out that she was a writer--though she said she hadn't done much with it. This was her last year teaching though and she was so excited to be home with her two daughters and get some writing done. She'd sold an article to The Freind so far, and blew that off even though Julie and I were both wanting to get an article in a church magazine.

Some time after the conference, she contacted me about a writing group I had recently begun with some gals in my area. She didn't live to far away and began attending--often with her darling little girls in tow. My first impressins of Anne were that she was smart, sweet, didn't like to inconvenience anyone, and was excited and anxious about being able to put more time into her writing. I'm not sure when I noticed the scar on her upper arm for the first time, but I remember being curious as to the story behind it. It was mostly hidden by the sleeves of her t-shirts, but it looked as though whatever it had once been had been painful. However, even I have manners sometimes so I didn't ask.

Eventually, she told me about the scar--Melanoma she'd had removed a few years earlier. Yikes. I'd never met anyone that had actually had skin cancer. And she was so young--she'd have been in her early 20's when they'd found it. Her husband was a dentist, so it had taken place during his schooling, and not to long before her first daughter was born. She didn't make a big deal about it, and so neither did I but it put a bit more focus on her and the way she lived her life. She'd faced demons most of us won't face, and she was refined by it. No wonder she had such evenness and compassion.

As our friendship continued she had another little girl, asked how she could still write when she had so much 'mothering' to do, wondered if she should wait until her girls were older, worried she was wasting her time. Most writers have these same thoughts and one of the best parts of a writing group is the support and solutions we can give to one another.

Last February after a ski or bike trip with her husband (I'm afraid I can't remember which) she had a pain in her chest; what she thought was a pulled muscle. But it didn't go away. I won't forget the e-mail where she told us (the writing group) what happened, she said it was a blessing that her husband had become so incredibly sick that they'd had to take him to an emergency doctor's appointment. While there she casually mentioned the pulled muscle in her chest that didn't seem to be healing. I don't know what test the doctor ran but within a week or so they discovered a tumor the size of a football growing in her chest. Apparently when Melanoma comes back, it doesn't go away. But Anne was determined to get every minute out of this life that she could get.

What came next was months of traveling to Denver for treatments, surgeries, cyberknife--anything and everything she could get to help keep the cancer at bay. And yet it continued to grow. It wrapped around her heart, it snuck up on her thyroid, and as of last month it had attached to her liver. She fought it, and yet that's not all she did. She also took trips with her kids, did photo shoots for family and friends (including me) and continued to be a mother and wife to her family. She lost her hair and it came in black and curly instead of straight and auburn. She lost weight and gained weight--and lamented the toll the medication took on her skin. Every time she sent an update she thanked God for her blessings and pointed out the miracles happening in her life. And she wrote.

She'd been working on a book when she was diagnosed, and she finished it and began shopping agents. She had an article published in the New Era a few months ago. She began a project about growing up for girls, admitting that one of the reasons was that she knew she might not be there to tell them what she wanted her daughters to know. She began recording childhood memories--beautifully written childhood memories. She wasn't able to come to group very often, but when she did she'd read us these moments from her life and we would realize how much we didn't know about her. I'll never forget the Boot of Stew story or the one that had us all bawling where she talked about the experience of braiding her hair into three braids before cutting them off before chemo took her hair from her. She wanted a braid for each of her girls--so they would remember Mama's copper braids. Sometimes she worried that she shouldn't be spending so much time writing, and yet Ward (her husband) said "But it's what you love." And it was what she loved. She loved to write, and amid the horrific changes in her future she didn't want to lose any of those life memories. The picture included in this blog was taken at the 2009 LDStorymakers Conference. She'd always wanted to come, and finally did even though she had to leave early as she wasn't feeling well.

I saw Anne for the last time at writer's group about a month ago--her hair was gone again and she laughed as she said that she hated that her youngest daughter would only remember her bald, since she'd only been about two when Anne lost her hair the first time. She read us an article she'd written for the Ensign about preparing for death. We all cried through it. She said she'd finished writing all the letters to her daughters that would be given to them as they passed milestones she would not see. They'd moved to a home near her husband's parents, and she said how much fun it was, how glad she was to be able to be there with her family. Treatments had run out, she wasn't feeling well but was still looking into her options. I can't remember if I hugged her goodbye that day. I sure hope I did.

Last week she posted this to her blog:

I have no doubt that if it is Heavenly Father's will, I will be healed. But even if I'm not, I have to admit that I feel at peace. The last month has been fraught with panic and frantic anguish, but now I feel differently. I trust Him. I look forward to asking WHY all of this had to happen. I'm not going to ask it now, because I know that He can see the whole picture and I know that whatever His will is, things will be okay. My girls will be okay because they have Ward. I know that Ward will be okay because he has them. And we all have each other--FOREVER--and that's what really matters.

Today, this was posted in her behalf:

We wanted to let you know that Anne is in the hospital and has taken a turn for the worse. She is not expected to live much longer ...

I love Anne. And I will miss her. Though I was not part of her inner circle of friends and family, I was blessed to know her, to hear her words, and watch this final journey she has made. I am strengthened for the strength she has shown, and yet my heart is simply full of sorrow for the things she is leaving behind. She has a beautiful life HERE and I want her to stay in it. I don't understand why she's being called away, it's not fair. But she has accepted the path her life has taken, and I have no doubt that many loving arms will embrace her on the other side just as many arms here will ache.

Thank you, Anne, for your example, for your friendship, for your beautiful smile and your realistic view of life and love and family. I am greatly blessed to have known you and am glad that through the words you took the time to write, you will live on for generations to come.

May you and your family feel peace--you have earned it.

Why I can't color my hair

Thanks to everyone who gave me their feedback on the Kindle, I had no idea there were other e-readers out there so I need to look into them before I make my final decision. However, I have decided that an e-reader at some point will be mine, oh yes, it shall be mine.

Now onto other things:

So, when we got back from Snowbird last week, my van--which had not gone with us--had a flat tire. Really flat. Dear hubby pumped it up and life went on.

Yesterday, I went to work and at some point looked out the window to see that the tire was flat again. Really flat. Aggravating.

I left work, pumped up the tire and drove to Brigham City and my favorite tire store, Les Schwab (they came to my rescue when I had a bulging tire and the people that sold me that tire said they couldn't do anything to help--sorry). We're close enough that I just call him Les. Worried that the tire wouldn't hold air the whole 20 miles, I adjusted my side mirror so I could watch the tire throughout the drive. I'm very detail oriented like that. Lucky for me, it looked great. Phew.

I arrived as Les Schwab, pointed out the injured tire and wrote 900 words on my WIP while I waited. Strangely enough, Les couldn't find anything wrong with the tire. I was shocked, but maybe it was one of those self-healing tire things. It happens. They didn't charge me, which was sweet since it wasn't their tire giving me trouble, I went home and forgot all about it.

Until I went to work today and looked out the window. The tire was flat. Really flat. How is that possible? Les didn't find anything wrong with the tire, and yet it was flat? What about my self-healing tire theory? I liked that theory.

My co-worker came in a little later and said "Whoa, your tire is flat--really flat." I said I knew that and explained the whole story.

"They should have put it in water, if they had they'd have found the hole--tires don't get THAT flat in 24 hours unless there is one heck of a leak."

I told him they DID put it in water, I knew this because the tire was all clean and shiny when I drove away from Les the day before. And as I described this to him, I looked back out the window. Wait a minute.

The tire that was flat now, isn't the tire that was flat yesturday...or at least, it's not on the same side of the car. That's when I realized that tires don't really heal themselves. Instead, the tire I pointed out to Les wasn't actually the tire that was flat. That means that the tire I watched through the side mirror all the way to Brigham City, wasn't the one that had been flat either. Huh, how about that?

Good thing I'm not a brunette, then I'd really have some explaining to do. As it is, everyone just smiles at me sympathetically when this kind of thing happens. . . and then they sell me four new tires.

Kindle Questions

I know some of my wonderful blog readers own Kindles and therefore I am going to take full advantage of you and beg for information. If you're not a Kindle owner, rest assured that your opinion still matters.

I have been stalking the idea of owning one myself for a few months. You have to understand I was against them when they first came out--they seemed like a total geek-toy that could never replace the joy of a book I can hold in my hands. However, as time has passed I'm seriously tempted. The idea that I could go on vacation with a dozen books that weigh 10 oz. is cool. The idea that if a book I'm reading sucks, I can just move onto the next one is intriguing. But will I like it? Will I miss the 'book in hand' thing and will it make me cry because it's so hard to use. I no good at hard stuff.

I have a couple specific questions for Kindle owners:

1--Wan you upload ANY ebook? My library recently started doing ebooks, can I check those out and put them on my kindle?

2--Is it cost effective? At $300 to buy it and an average price of about $10/book, does it pay for itself in a short amount of time?

3--Were there surprises you think I should be aware of?

So, what are your thoughts/experiences/friend's experiences/prejudices/fears/intrigue in regard to the kindle?

PS--thank you!

Updates and Stuff

JULY 30: The opening night for English Trifle went great--I'm bummed I didn't take more pictures of the trifle--it was impressive. This photo was only because my sweet husband thought to take a picture. I don't know why I never do. I saw some great friends, and even had a lady drive up from Salt Lake. She brought some of her other books for me to sign and was just oh so sweet. Another friend brought me a mini 'birthday cake' to celebrate my book's birthday--cute huh? We ended up with half a dozen left over mini-trifles, which I took to some neighbors, and a full trifle that we took to my husband's home teaching family. Sweet! I'd have been in trouble if I had to eat them myself.

JULY 31: When I was 13 my parents bought a time share at Snowbird, about 20 minutes from where we lived. In the winter, Snowbird is skiing extraordinaire (or so they say). In summer, it's an amazing vacation spot. About ten years ago, Lee and I bought a time share too. Each year all of us siblings try our darndest to make it to Snowbird and it's awesome. We headed up here last Friday and it's been such a great time. I get to hang out with my family, some of which I don't get to see very often, enjoy the mountains, listen to the river and just have a good time with my own kids. Those of you that know me well, know that just having fun doesn't come easy to me. Life is mostly about getting stuff done and working--but Snowbird forces me to let go and I have such a fabulous time. For those of you in Utah, if you're ever looking for a 'day trip' in the summer, come to Snowbird and get their ride pass. You can take the tram up to Hidden peak, do the alpine slide, ziprider, bungy tramp, mechanical bull, climbing wall and Peruvian lift as much as you want from 11-7. Costco sells 4 adult passes for $79 (adult price is $32--I know, steep) or you can use a Diet Pepsi can and get $10 off. It's a FUN day, really, for all ages and it's just beautiful up here.


Lee-aka, Husband Extrodinaire, has also given me writing time since I'm on a deadline and stressing out about it. Because of that, I've written 8,000 words since we got up here, which is a huge relief. I've only got 30,000 to go by September 1st. Oy.



(Do you love this photo? Just call me forehead girl)

AUGUST 5: Today, I'm taking some time off the mountain to go to LDSBA, which is a closed expo show for all things LDS--books, art, music, etc. I get to sign copies of English Trifle, which is so beyond awesome I can't even tell you. First of all, the books I sign are free to those that attend the expo (mostly retail store owners) which means I get a line--authors love lines and they don't happen at a signing. Second, those retail owners know me and most of them have read my books so they say all kinds of sweet things. AND, I get to see some of my most favoritest people. Then I get to come back to snowbird and have a couple more days of good, simple fun.

So, there you have it. That's what's going on with me. I'll take photos at LDSBA and post them tomorrow--really, I will. have a great day.

Fantasy World

I love my life, however, that's not to say I don't have problems, frustrations, and flat out trials--with a capitol T and that rhymes with P and that stands for Portland.

That's right; Portland.

This is where I go in my mind when life get so overwhelming that I just want to chuck all the great things I have in it. I close my eyes and I imagine that I live in a studio apartment in Portland, and it's raining, and my shift at K-mart doesn't start for two hours. I'm hungry--and guess what? I don't have to feed anyone but ME! If I want the last piece of cake from last night, I can eat it all by myself and not have to give a bite to anyone, much less eat it in the bathroom so that no one sees me. Guess who's clothes are in the dryer? MINE! and they are clothes that need to be ironed because in my fantasy world I buy that kind of clothes because I have time to iron them! And guess what my couches look like? Floral patterned. Yep, great big peonies and daisy's and stuff. They are girly, and they are cute and I love them and that's all that matters. Not a single other person made decorating decisions. Just me. My TV uses one remote, I wake up when I want to, and I read all night if I feel like it. My calendar fits in my purse because only my appointments are written on it. I keep chocolate out ON THE COUNTER and save up my money so I can take cool vacations which are cheap, because it's just me! I don't go to amusement parks out of obligation; I don't spend all my money on school clothes while pining after a new pair of jeans for myself. I watch The Scarlet Pimpernell over and over, saying the dialogue with Percy and Margarite. No one makes fun of me for it. I have three bills--gas, power, and car insurance. I drive a VW bug that never breaks down. Food costs me $100 a month and I don't buy chicken because I don't EAT chicken, which means I never have to touch the gross slimey stuff just to make someone else happy. I go barefoot because there is never sand on the floor and I can't tell you how much it costs to enroll a kid in high-school because I don't care about that stuff.

My husband is well aware of my fantasy world. He has one too--but his involves a New York City apartment that overlooks Wall Street and Central Park. He's a billionaire that doesn't worry about homeowners insurance claims or incidental expenses like shoes for the kids instead of new tires. He never eats at home and works 16 hours a day. He owns about eight cars--but pays someone to drive him around in a Bentley.

I mentioned this fantasy world to my friend Julie Wright once; I thought she'd tell me I was unstable (though it's probably not a good idea to tell unstable people that they are unstable--maybe over the phone, but not in person) and she admitted she had a fantasy world she escaped too as well. We're both unstable!

And so I'm curious; are we the only ones--Lee, Julie, and I? Or does everyone have this 'escape' in their mind that serves to allow them to re-appreciate what they do have? In your fantasy world can you leave chocolate out on the counter instead of hiding it in your sock drawer?

The Fall--phew!

I didn't learn to ride a bike until I was nine years old. Why? Because I was terrified of falling. Each time someone would try to teach me, I would fall and refuse to try again--until my embarrassment of being the only kid my age that couldn't ride got me on the bike again. finally, at nine years old I figured it out--and didn't fall. At our house no one 'owned' a bike. Because there were so many of us we simply had a plethora of sizes, you would choose the one that fit you best and it was yours until you got back home. If you ended up with the yellow sparkly one with the banana seat and white wicker basket--well, show up in the garage earlier next time!

Once I knew how to drive, I don't think I ever rode a bike again.

About four years ago I bought a bike for our oldest daughter and I got the idea to buy one for myself. My first bike!

I got a nice one--a cross-something or other that could do road and mountain trail. The next day I strapped on my helmet (first time I'd ever worn one) and set off. I was home two miles and ten minutes later. My legs and lungs were on fire. I parked the bike, very disappointed that it was so hard. I wanted a nice easy, fast moving exercise. I'd been robbed! Over the next four years I probably put about 25 miles on that bike and most of those trips were with the kids to the church and back.

Last summer I started running with a good friend, Tiffany. Tiffany is amazing and different from any woman I've ever known as an adult. She LIKES exercise! She and her family all swim like freaking dolphins, they run, they bike. But not in the freaky-guru "I only wear Nike t-shirts so you'll know what an athlete I am" kind of way, but in the "I love the satisfaction of having had my body in motion."

Well, I'm a satisfaction freak. I love 'finishing' something. So, with her as my running buddy I got up to 3 miles. When an injury caused her to cut back, I kept going. I went four and five miles! I ran a couple 5K's and came to love the accomplishment at the end of a run.

One thing Tiff and her family do is biking--and I mean BIKING. Last summer she biked around Utah lake--it's 100 miles. Each time she would tell me about these excursions I would think of my bike sitting in the garage. I asked her questions about riding on the side of the highway--had she ever been hit by a Diesel and put in traction for 6 months? In fact, she had not. What if her chain fell off? She FIXED it, all by herself. The woman is amazing. Finally, a couple weeks ago I bit the bullet and rode my bike to a church meeting, three miles away. I'm sure the women there thought I was dying when I arrived--I was sweaty and my face was bright red and I had to excuse myself so that I could catch my breath. I wasn't sure I liked it. I had to ride on the highway and every time a car passed me I would hold my breath, sure it was going to take me out. My hands were sore by the time I got home because I would clench them each time a car came up on me from behind. But I did survive, and therefore I had 'success' and, as I said, I'm a success freak.

Since that night my husband and I have gone on a few bike rides together. It's been a lot of fun to push ourselves and cover so much ground. We're up to about 8 miles, and it only takes about 40 minutes. We live in a beautiful place and love getting out into it. But in the back of my mind has been a niggling fear. What if I fall? I mean, I KNEW I would fall eventually, and at times that thought terrified me to the point of letting Lee ride alone. Remember, I love success, not failure, and falling is a failure I don't want to face. Every time we get on the bikes I think about it, worry about it, and then proceed with extreme caution. I don't WANT to fall. I want to ride.

Last night we went up on the canal road, which overlooks Willard and Willard Bay. It's breathtakingly beautiful, but the road is rutted and has a drop off on one side. I tried not to think about falling, but it was hard not to. Tt was not the road I wanted to fall on (not that there was a road I wanted to fall on, but you get my point). My rear brake is out on my bike--something I manage to forget between each ride. Every hill had my heart pounding as I pictured the back wheel of my bike cartwheeling over the front. We turned back when the sun began to set, with Lee in the lead, and came to a portion of road that was deeply rutted. I decided it would be best to stay up on the ridge between the two ruts. It worked for a little while, until my back wheel fell into one of the ruts, forcing my front wheel to the side. I yanked back on it, tried to correct and instead went down on my left side. I wasn't going very fast, and I didn't fall very far, but I caught myself with my hands. I sat there for a minute, my hip throbbing, my hands burning and then felt the strangest sense of relief.

I'd fallen. But I was okay. The thing I had feared all along was over with.

The fall hadn't destroyed me, it hadn't damaged me beyond repair. I got up, brushed off and got back on my bike so I could catch up with Lee and take advantage of his sympathy. When I got home, I had to clean the rocks out of my hand--OUCH! But I continued to have the thought go through my head "I'm okay."

Not only that, I'm smarter too. On Monday, I'm going to get my rear brake fixed--it's silly for me to ride a bike that's missing half it's stopping ability. I'm also going to get some hand guards, so if I fall again, I won't imbed rocks into my flesh. I've LEARNED something from the experience, and that is a SUCCESS. Bring it on!

And it got me thinking. How often does the fear of falling keep us on the ground? And have you ever 'fallen' only to realize that it wasn't nearly as bad as you thought it would be? AND, if not for those inevitable falls in life, would we ever learn anything at all?

I'd love to hear your stories.

Follow, Follow Me!

I feel so special! I have 38 followers; now if that doesn't make a girl feel loved, I don't know what will. And it's nice to feel loved.

Yesterday was my 'Throw Rocks at the World Day" I have them about once a month. Sometimes it comes on a day when I am too busy to notice and so I manage to brush it off until it slithers back into the moldy undergrowth where it came from. Other days, like yesterday, it's claws dig into my flesh as it crawls up my back and cackles in my ear. All.....day.....long.

Nothing went horribly wrong, but nothing went right either. Everything and everyone annoyed me and the only thing I wanted was silence. Which is impossible. Therefore I was just irritated all day. Lee finally asked me if I was mad at him (after asking me six times what was wrong and me saying "NOTHING, OKAY!") and I said no, not really, I was just . . . mad about everything. Then I listed everything that had me annoyed--to which I believe he was thinking "Why did I ask?"

Today, I felt better--especially when I realized I had 38 followers--almost double what I had when I started the contest last week :-) So thank you, to everyone that posted reviews and followed me and helped me get over myself.

So, on that note, I put all the names (multiplied by how many times you entered) into www.random.org and ran the list 4 times because I have four angelic children, even when I don't like them. The poor dears--to be vexed with such a mother as I, sigh.

I had 53 entries! That totally rocks, so thank you everyone.

Anyway, so ran the lists and the winner is . . .

Jenna! Which is particularly fitting because she's the kind of mom I wish I were, especially on days like yesturday. If you don't read her blog at www.cranberrycorner.blogspot.com, you should. You're life will be enriched by her perspectives on life and family.

Jenna, will you e-mail me your address off-list, I will then forward it to Julie who will sign the book and send it out to you.

Thanks again everyone who entered! Preciate it.

PS--English Trifle shipped to stores on FRIDAY--almost 2 weeks early! My Opening Night Party will be on July 30th at Reflections of Utah Bookstore at 47 S. Main in Brigham City 5:00-6:30. More info to follow.

CONTEST!

I mentioned in my last post about the amazing people I have met during my writing journey--one of those people is the phenomenal Julie Wright who has enriched and blessed my life in ways too numerous to count. I am continually impressed with her optimism, compassion, work ethic, and just the plain ol' joy she finds in life. I have watched her work so hard for so many years and create amazing stories that blow my mind--one of which has JUST been released by Covenant Communications. AND, because she's awesome and because I love you guys, you get the chance to win a copy of her book, Eyes Like Mine.

I had the chance to do some editing on this book in the early stages of it's development, and it is AWESOME. I don't do many book giveaways on my blog, so that in and of itself ought to attest to how highly I think of this book. While it's categorized as YA (most you know how I feel about most YA) it's a GREAT book and worth the read no matter your age!

So, here's how you enter:

1) Become a follower of my blog and leave me a comment to tell me so. If you're already a follower, just put it in the comment trail and you're entered automatically.

2) Leave an online review for one of my books. Links to my books on DB's website can be found via my website www.josikilpack.com--just go to the book you want to leave a review for and click on the 'buy the book' icon. Once you've left the review, either e-mail me or leave a comment here on my blog so that you get entered into the contest.

You get an entry for becoming a follower as well as an additional entry for every review you leave (copy and paste the same review into multiple review websites--I don't mind!). Just be sure to tell me how you've entered.

AND, if you're interested in winning a copy of English Trifle, check out Julie's blog where she's running a similar contest. Double prizes, baby!

Contest will end on Sunday, July 12. I'll post the winner on Monday!

So, why Write?

From the post I put up here last week, one might think that my writing is sometimes like cooked spinach on my plate--why on earth would you eat that? Ever since that post (and thank you all for being so dang understanding :-) I've been thinking about the other side.

If it's SO much work and SO hard to do, why DO it at all? Here's why.

I am a daughter of a Heavenly Father that loves me, and one way that he has shown his love for me was to send me to earth with a wide array of little packages that through my life I get to open. One of those packages was presented to me about ten years ago in the form of bedrest, Lifetime Television for Women and Anita Stanfield. I was on bedrest with a pregnancy, I was battling depression induced by this circumstance and I was bored out of my mind. The next three months looked like a very long and dark road for me. But there was another road that worried me even more. As I'd grown up and had children I had been a bit worried to realize that I didn't feel 'filled up' the way I thought I would. It's not my kid's fault or my husband's fault, in fact I think most, if not all, mothers of young children feel this way at times. There is so much that needs doing, and we feel so incapable of being the one to do it all. I read a lot at that time--it was my escape and I cherished the opportunity to travel the world and live different lives for a few hours here and there. I think most, if not all, mothers of young children find similar escapes. If it's not reading, it might be sewing, if it's not sewing, it might be geneology, or crafts, or home decor, or welding. We need the reminder that we are someone. We are an idividual and while raising my kids would hands down be the most rewarding and important job I'd ever had--I was not sent to this earth JUST for them. THEIR plan was not MY plan. I still had to find a way to be me, and to enjoy who I was.

When I started writing in October of 1998 I unwrapped a gift that had lurked beneath the surface--sometimes way beneath the surface--for a long time. I started a journey I never imagined I would ever make and my life blossomed. Despite the hard parts of it, I was opened up to a whole world of possibilities I'd never even realized were there. And through my journey I have continue to unwrap many, many gifts I'd have never realized if I hadn't opened that first one. Here are a few:

1) Friendships. I have met some of the MOST amazing people through my writing. Between fans and fellow authors, I have been blessed with wonderful friendships with people that love and support me. This is something I didn't expect as an adult and, without my writing, I'm not sure I'd have ever realized it was possible to have such great friends, to have girls-nights out, and conference weekends where we stay up until 2:00 a.m. And my life would not be the same without these people in it. My writing invited many of these freinds into my life, without it, we'd have never met.

2)Assurance of my Father in Heaven's love. I know without a doubt that my writing is a gift from God because I could never have done it myself. I did not set out on this path, I found it and I believe it was God's will that I did so. When I struggle or succeed I feel the prodding of something bigger and much smarter than myself. I have written scenes that a wriggling-squirmy feeling has told me to delete. I have also had ideas fully land in my brain that ended up being powerful realizations--not only of the story I'm writing, but of the life I'm living. Second only to holding my newborn children in my arms and looking into the eyes of my husband, I know that writing was something I was sent here to do. That's a powerful knowledge to have in my heart and one I am so grateful for.

3) Example to others. This last winter a Friend came to me and shared an award she'd received at work--she said she pecifically told me about it because she knew I wouldn't be jealous and I would fully celebrate it with her. I knew success and I knew the joy of a job well done, therefore I could appreciate it in someone else. This was one of the best compliments I've ever received, and yet other people tell me how they started a book after reading mine, or felt better about taking time to pursue their hobbies after I told them how I try to make it all fit in. I LOVE that. It is inspiring to me to see other people doing those things, and to be one of those people for someone else? Wow. We really are all part of one big whole, each of us feeding off of and giving to one another. The more we develop ourselves the more we have to offer. It is a sense of purpose that is both exciting and humbling to be part of that for other people.

4) Example to my children. While they make sacrifices for my dreams, they also benefit from it. Because they see me working at something, they are not afraid to pursue their own talents and interests. I work hard to support them like they support me and it allows them a base of confidence when they start something new. Each of them have gone through an "I have to be a writer" phase because that's what they see, but they've all realized that just because writing is my thing, doesn't mean it will be theirs. But whatever THEIR thing is, they know that it will take work and energy and that I will cheer them to the very end. They have enjoyed every triumph with me and that has created bonding moments for all of us that will never be forgotten. I think my girls will be great mom's one day because they won't EXPECT their children to fill every nook and cranny of their head. They will feel okay with being who they are, and yet still fulfilling the roles they take on.

5) Public Speaking. When I was about 14 I went to a fireside and this lady talked about . . . something I don't remember, but she made us laugh. And I felt the spirit at the end of her talk and I had this thought "I want to do that someday" which I was immediately embarrassed about. Who was I to think I could stand in front of a group of people and tell them something important? As I grew up this thought would enter my head, and it always embarrassed me. It was so far out of my sphere and ability it was ridiculous. Well, low and behold, I do that. I'm not great and I get queasy when I stand up in front of a room--but I do it and I love it! I'm improving all the time and I like to think that one day I really will give to people what that woman gave to me. I always look over the audience and wonder if there's someone down there embarrassed by the thoughts that they might want to do that too. (See #3)

6) Faith. Faith is something that has never come easy for me, but as I look back on my journey of a writer I know that there is a plan for me, and that there are details that have lined up perfectly for me to arrive where I am. This allows me to look forward and have much more faith in where the journey might take me. I trust that God is out for my best interest--even when I rage at Him (which he always forgives me for). There is no remedy for panic except faith and I'm learning that more and more all the time. My writing has made the gospel much more real for me. I've delved into feelings and attitudes that are not my own, and yet which help me relate to other people better than I did before. I've learned so much about God through my playing 'God' with my characters and going through their trials of faith.

7) Being a partner. Because I am well aware of the sacrifices made by my husband on behalf of my writing, I am always looking for ways to pay him back. I do not have problems with my husband going out of town, or spending time with Friends. It would be hypocritical for me to call him on those things when he sacrifices so much for my interests. Because I know how important 'my stuff' is to me, I try to look for 'his stuff' that needs my support as well. I know many women in a constant tug-of-war with their husbands for time, attention, and equal responsibility. I can honestly say this isn't an issue in our house (well, most of the time :-) I still have my moments). I look for ways to support him so that when I'm on a deadline or am scheduling a weekend away, I don't have to justify it.

I truly believe we were all sent here with gifts. If we choose to open them and embrace them, we will have to find time for them, but they will bless our lives in many ways when we take the time and the effort to do so. Life is not easy, and sometimes our greatest blessings are also our greatest trials, and yet they are BLESSINGS all the same.

I am SO grateful for the amazing support that's been given to me on my journey and I sincerely hope I have the opportunity to return it in full measure to those around me. We ALL have these gifts, and they will help us fulfill our measure of creation--something all of us have. Writing has done that for me, and I will ever be grateful for it.

Will being an author cut Into time with my children?

I was recently asked by a fellow writer not yet published if a writing career was going to cut into her time with her children and family. She was very concerned with the effect her 'career' could have on her kids. She wanted reassurance. I'm not sure I gave it to her, but she caught me in a moment of painful honesty and that was with what I answered her. I thought I would include it here, not to discourage anyone, but simply to put into focus that while we all have our own 'plan' there are sacrifices to be made for all things we bring into our life and no one, NO ONE, gets out of that. I edited this a little bit for space and for relativity. If Writing isn't your thing, insert something else that fills your mind and heart, something you long for and yet fear at the same time. We all have them:

Yes. Writing will cut into your time with your children. It will cut into your time with your husband. It will cut into your housekeeping, gardening, exercise, reading, church callings, community responsibilities, family vacations, and at times your personal hygiene. Everything we do that is not right there next to our family takes us away from them. Sometimes it hurts. I have had times when I am blinking back tears as I drive to a presentation because I know my home and family are ‘undone’ yet I’ve made a commitment to whoever I’m presenting too and I can’t simply NOT do it. I’ve had times when my husband has told me I’m overdoing it and my focus is not where it needs to be. We have argued about it. My kids have said things like "You're always on the computer!" or "I don't want you to leave again?"

Sometimes I wish I’d never started because then I would have one less thing to worry about, one less piece to cut myself into. But when these moments come I remember that I was missing something before I started writing. I AM happier now than I was then, but simply being happy doesn't take the hardship away.

I have always been ambitious and busy and when I discovered writing all of that energy went into something that felt marvelous—sharing my thoughts within framework of characters and plots I grew to love was just . . . right. At the time it was so much fun that it was easy to fit in and enjoy every moment. It was a hobby. It isn't anymore. Since then it’s grown into a BIG thing in my life and it takes up a lot of room in my head, on my calendar, on my hard drive and in my house. I’ve chosen to make a place for it and I try to make wise decisions about how much space it can have, but it is there, it is always there. I’ve missed plays my kids are in, classroom parties, sporting events, and other significant moments because of obligations tied to my writing. I hate that, and yet writing is part of my reason for being here, I know it is. My kids are part of why I’m here as well, I know that too. They aren’t going to be in my home forever and writing might not be a part of my life forever either—there is no way to know what will happen next year or five years from now and so I try to do my best and enjoy both phases of my life as best I can. Right now I find myself at the top of my game, my books are doing better than ever and it thrills me to the core, but it also demands more of me and creates more stress in my life and that of my family. To stop now would be to lose what I've worked so hard for, and it's not an option. So I keep going, and I keep asking the Lord for help in finding balance, and I keep working on my mothering so that I don’t feel so guilty when I’m not physically present, and I schedule my presentations, and read writing books, and I brainstorm and edit and live in fear of the day when this might all be over. And I write.

Every day is a balance—sometimes my family is on the losing end of it. Sometimes my church calling is, or my husband, or my own peace of mind. But I love writing. I need it. And so I sacrifice for it with my eyes wide open, always looking at the scales to see if I’m off base, always watching for empty hours I can fill with words, and always praying that the Lord will let me know when I need to pull back.

He usually does, but that hurts too.

I can’t promise that adding a writing career won’t upset the balance in your home so much that you bleed. I also can’t promise that you will set such an example to your children that their lives will be forever blessed BECAUSE of your writing, not in spite of it. Every writer I know has to find the balance, has to make the choice to move forward, and then they have to commit to all of it—family, church, writing, and themselves. If you’re not ready, don’t do it. It is hard. If you’re ready, take a deep breath, get on your knees and pray for courage, faith and that you can keep your priorities straight.

Only you can decide if you're up to this, only you can add something this big to your life and find the balance. No one can do it for you, and no one should. Your life is your own journey, and no one carries your pack for you. Decide what you can carry, and then commit to do your best. I wish you luck.

So . . . um . . . yeah

I was once told there are two kinds of women in the world--one that sees their hair as an accessory; a mode of expression that can be done and undone and redone at any time. These women often change their color, length and style on a regular basis. They see every change as temporary. Often, they act somewhat impulsively and follow current trends.

The other kind of woman sees her hair as an extension of herself, something connected and ingrained as a part of her. The kind of woman often keeps one basic style for long periods of time. She might make changes, but they typically enhance her current style rather than create a new one. She will usually contemplate changes for a long time before proceeding and has a high dissatisfaction rating because, even when she makes a change, she often pines for the security of past styles and wonders things like "What the hell was I thinking?" When people tell her they like it, she assumes they are lying--if they tell her they don't like it, she cries. And even if there are things she DOES like about it, her insecurity about the drastic decision she's made is very hard for her to overcome, which then makes her feel like a vain prima-donna. She looks forward to next week when she's gotten used to it and swears she will never cut her hair again.

Take a guess which one I am?

CUT!

I posted an update to my status on facebook that I'd managed to farm out three of my four children (and the one that stayed home is pretty danged independent) and so I had 3 days to write and clean. My super-cool facebook friends all told me forget the cleaning and go write!

But I didn't want to write, and you wanna know why?

Cause I just cut 12,349 words! That's why.

Seeing as how I'm an accountant these days I thought I'd run the numbers--35.4% of what I had written to date is now in my cuts folder. That leaves me with 22, 543 which is only 25% of my goal of 90,000 words.

See, the heartache comes from the fact that I knew what I'd written wasn't really working, which is one reason why I'd been avoiding the writing. But when I'm down 3 kids and a husband, and before the husband leaves I ask that husband for a blessing so I can use my time well; I have to write. And unfortunately for me, HAVING to write, means I HAD to cut. And it hurts, damnit.

I was supposed to have this book done by August 1st. It's very hard to adjust that deadline in my mind without feeling as though I'm failing my publisher and my readers and myself. But it was my own deadline and, ironically, I know that not cutting it means I can't move forward, because I try too hard to make what doesn't work, work and that is almost equally discouraging. Ya know?

Kinda like yesturday. The kids are gone, and I know it's the Sabbath and all, but I started to clean my daughter's room. I really only wanted to confirmation that yes, the closet was still there. Within 2 hours I had 2 full size garbage sacks (full of polly pocket clothes and barbie shoes I feel no guilt over discarding) in my garbage can, a bag of clothes for her cousin and 2 boxes and 2 bags of stuff for DI. She has a month to remember specific items in the DI stuff that I will then return to her, but after a month, if she can't remember it, it's gone. It was extreme, yes, and I should have waited until today, but it was also impossible for me to clean without CUTTING. Otherwise the room would never have been clean--there was too much stuff.

And cutting the 12,349 had to be done as well. I know it did, but it's still hard to see my page count dwindle.

I'm getting my hair cut on Thursday. It's time. I love it long, but then there are times I just don't. My ends are thin, it sticks to me when I'm working outside and I just need a little style--so I'm going under the knife. It won't be fun, and I might just cry, and yet I know it's a good thing and feel a glimmer of excitement at the idea of change!

I need to feel that same glimmer of excitement about cutting my story--because I cut it, that means I can have a healthier head of words, right? And it means that I won't have junk spilling through the doorway, right? And this sick feeling in my stomach will go away, right?

Oh, I really, really hope so.

To Pee or Not to Pee

I am the worst potty-trainer in the world. It’s true. I no longer deny it and in some ways I embrace it. I must have been on a chocolate hunt the day they gave out the patience and skill for this important part of motherhood, ‘cause it missed me completely.

I was raised in a home where cloth diapers were the norm. There were nine kids, I was the third, so there were six cloth-diapered bottoms behind me. Potty training was an event much celebrated by all of us. There was no motivation like a week’s worth of soiled diapers needing to be rinsed before going into the washer. And perhaps my disparaging failure would have been avoided if I too had used cloth—perhaps the mess and smell would have given me the commitment my mother had. But I was a modern woman. ‘Pampers’ was one of my favorite words.

Now don’t get me wrong. I, like most young mothers, got caught up in the rapture of diaper-less-baby-bums and expected success like anyone else. When my first child was a year and a half, I made my first attempt. All the other kids in the play group were potty-trained, so I was feeling the peer pressure to keep up. The mothers of these pantied-children posed and bragged until I just couldn’t take it anymore. I found a book called How to Potty Train in One Day. The plan was elaborate, but I pressed on. It required all kinds of charts and graphs to track progress. But it seemed very scientific and I was impressed. I bought special training pants, salty chips, and lots of fun drinks to increase the urge. And of course we had to have the dolly that wets. My husband questioned me, first about the week preparation I put into this, and then about the increasing costs, but I convinced him that it would all pay off in the end. He smiled and dropped it like any good husband should.

The big day arrived and we had scrambled eggs for breakfast, with salt and a big glass of apple juice. This was followed by potty reminders every ten minutes, salty pretzels and more drinks. Half an hour after breakfast, she wet her pants. I had known we would have a couple setbacks and was not deterred. We tried again. Half an hour later she wet her pants again. Part of the program is making a list of people that will be so proud of my little girl. So I discussed how proud her daddy would be, Grandma, Mr. Bills across the street, Mr. Bills’ dog, and of course, Barney. She didn’t seem to care at all, but I kept pushing the Pringles and juice boxes.

By one o’clock she’d cleaned me out of snacks and juice boxes with seven accidents to show for it. I’d followed the graphs, I’d gone over her “Proud People” chart and she wasn’t getting it. I called my husband in frustration. He said she might be too young, that maybe she wasn’t ready.

What did he know?

We kept trying. By three o’clock she was in wet pants crying in the corner, again. I was on the phone to my husband, crying about what a horrible mother I was. We stopped for the day. I daren’t tell the other play group moms about my failure. I simply smiled when the subject came up and acted like I knew exactly what I was doing. I like to think they thought I’d found some secret knowledge about potty-training that gave me no reason to worry.

Six months later I tried the exact same thing again, with the exact result, except that I didn’t cry to my husband until he came home. I had failed. I was also seven months’ pregnant. This had been my last chance to have an entire month of no diapers for the next few years and I had blown it.

Two years later, I’m the mother of two girls. My oldest was now four and still in diapers. One day she brought me a pair of those ill-fated training pants I’d bought years earlier and asked if she could wear them. I cringed, but said she could. That afternoon she had an accident—I felt sure we were doomed and told her we needed to go back to diapers. She insisted on wearing another pair and promised she wouldn’t wet them. I wavered, but finally gave in. She never wet her pants again, but she was four years old and had done it herself, so there was no pride in my achievement.

No less than two months later, I began regarding my second daughter with new eyes. This little girl was two and had the verbal skills of her older sister, with more comprehension. We had complete conversations on a regular basis. It was weird, but I knew in my heart that this child was a prodigy. I was still suffering from my failures with child one and in child two I saw redemption. If I could have her potty trained at twenty-two months, surely that could prove that I was not completely worthless.

I sat my little girl down and we had a very deep discussion about going potty in the toilet. We talked about how much cleaner it was to use the toilet and how yucky diapers were. She was mesmerized by this information and promised me right then and there that she would never use a diaper again. I gloated to my husband about it—for about three hours.

Although she took to heart every word I said, she was very petite. Most people thought she was almost a year younger than she really was until she opened her mouth. She was so small that she couldn’t get on the toilet herself and she refused to use the child potty, which she had deemed only for babies. When she had those first few accidents, she howled as if she’d just inadvertently killed a small animal. She was so disappointed in herself. So she started to hold it. And hold it and hold it and hold it. She would hold it even if I put her on the potty and begged her to go. She would hold it until she began shrieking in pain, then, unable to run to the bathroom with her legs so tightly pressed together, I had to run to her and try and get her to the toilet in time. If I didn’t get her there, she bawled for the next half an hour.

After a week of this, I knew it couldn’t be good for her emotional development to have this kind of trauma, and explained that maybe we should just go back to diapers. She refused. I had convinced her they were dirty, I had told her only babies wore them, and she’d believed me. She wouldn’t even wear Pull-Ups because she knew they were really just diapers trying to look like panties.

For the next year (yes, really) I had to grab her when she reached the shrieking stage and run her to the bathroom. I tried everything to get her to stop holding it. I put her on the toilet hourly, I got a step-stool—and nothing worked. I had created this trauma for her and we went through it four times a day. She was expert at holding it through the night, but on the rare occasion when she drank too much too close to bedtime, I was running down the hall in my underwear, knowing that if I didn’t get to her in time I would have a hysterical child on my hands. She could work herself up to such a pitch that she sometimes threw up—then I had pee and vomit to clean up at one o’clock in the morning. It was honestly the longest year of my life.

At three and a half, she finally went one whole week without the shrieking. I know how old she was ‘cause I wrote it in my journal. She’d stopped holding it quite so much and we all breathed a sigh of relief. By the time she was four, she was doing pretty well. But my potty-training-trauma was not over. I’d had another baby during this year of jump and run—a boy. And we all know what that means.

From the day of the tell-all sonogram, I’d heard how hard boys were to potty-train. I couldn’t imagine it being worse than my girls and I dreaded it. At two and a half, he looked four and people started asking THE question. I hadn’t even considered starting the melee and blew off the judgments of everyone around me. Because he was so big, his diapers, and what went into them, were…well, big. They were awful, in fact, but I wasn’t really tempted. When he was three and a half, I decided to give it a shot and put him in training pants for a day. He had an accident and it was all I needed to convince myself that he wasn’t ready. At four, he started wanting Batman underpants like his friends, and I wanted preschool. So we gave it another try. He did okay for a few hours, enough to send him to preschool. But within minutes of getting home, he’d have an accident and I’d diaper him. Nighttime wasn’t even a question. Pull-Ups—no questions asked. His birthday was in December, so he turned five a good nine months before kindergarten. At this point he was in big-boy-pants all day and averaged an accident every other day. I can’t tell you when he started going all day without and accident because I have a mental block about it, but it was sometime during the summer before Kindergarten. He turned six a couple months ago and he remained in Pull-Ups at night until he was eight. I really didn’t care if he was in Pull-Ups forever—have you seen how many sizes they come in these days?

And so I’m left with one last child. Some would say that after my wealth of experience I should know just what to do and what not to do. Whatever. I have only one philosophy left and that is not to even consider potty-training until she begs me for it. Her cousin of the same age was potty-trained at two. I call that abusive—and why not? There is nothing wrong with babies having extra padding to protect their little bottoms when puddle jumping or going down the slide. There is no shame in keeping a diaper in your purse or taking extra precautions at the community pool. You can hardly see them in her dance outfit and let’s face it, at least I know her bum is clean at least three time a day. Now and then she asks me, but I tell her she’s not ready. Not until she begs me on her hands and knees will I even consider scratching diapers off my grocery list. Not until she can count to twenty and knows her grandparents’ first names. It’s just not going to happen. Quite frankly, I just don’t have it in me.

It’s her body, and to pee or not to pee is a question only she can answer. When she’s ready, and she wants it—I mean really wants it, I have faith that it will happen. But I will not decide this for her. Not this time, not again.

*I wrote this a few years ago, so as an update--KB potty-trained at 3 1/2 much like her oldest sister--I put Dora underpants in her drawer and threw them away if she wet them, which she found devastating enough that by the time we'd worked through four of the six-pack of panties, she had it all figured out. Even at night--Go me!

Last Call: THE Teen Writers Conference

On June 6th, 2009, myself and some other fabulous authors will be presenting a writer's conference just for teens ages 13-19. The cost is $39 and lunch is included. We are so excited for this opportunity to help set the feet of these young writers on a path that will help them navigate some of the more difficult parts of establishing a career in writing. If you fit the criteria and would like to come, have a child that fits the criteria and would like to come, OR know a youth that fits the criteria and would like to come--please visit the website www.teenwritersconference.com for more information. Registrations must be postmarked by May 25th.

Thanks much,

A Morning with Me, Myself, and I

As some of you know, I went back to work in April--April 1st to be exact. It's been . . . an adjustment after several years of wearing my jammies all day. My current boss frowns on such casual attire, which is a bummer, he's also liable to interrupt my evenings with talk of work and he makes me iron his shirts. The upside is that he sometimes runs kids in the afternoon so that I can finish something up and it's understood that I can yell back if he gets out of hand. I'm also hopeful that the fact we're sleeping together will open up some promotional opportunities in the future. Unfortuantely, everyone knows we're sleeping together and so I can't blackmail him with it. Them's the breaks for working with your husband, I suppose.

Back in January I blogged about my employment qualifications. I specifically mentioned that I had none--other than writing novels which there isn't a huge section for in the Help Wanted section. Apparently that blog post infiltrated the nether-regions of Karma and by February I was feeling the pressure that I needed to be bringing home a paycheck. Why? Because the last year has not been economically kind to the Kilpacks.

Now, we're okay, as in we're not behind on anything and don't anticipate that we will be. Right now, we have our needs met, but the next six months is going to be interesting. In July 2008 we bought a Window covering buisness in Vegas. We spent several weeks doing our due diligience, we felt we had really found a great company--and we did find a great company--however the seller was not honest in his financial reports. Within 90 days we were facing collections on debts we had no idea existed and a month after that we found ourselves embroiled in a lawsuit. Anyone that's been watching the economic crash and burn (who hasn't?) has likely heard that Las Vegas has been hit hard, very hard. After a ten years unprecidented period of growth, construction has all but stopped and jobs have dried up, sending people out of Vegas in droves. Those things do not bode well for a company whose market is made up of people buying new or upgraded window coverings. Lee has jumped in with both feet to keep the buisness going amid all the arrows being slung our way, and he's done an amazing job. While other window covering companies are folding left and right, we've managed to stay afloat. We've lost some key employees, but we've held on to some absolute gems who are putting everything they have into making this work. In January we opened an Ogden, Utah location. We mostly wanted to keep our administration closer to home so that Lee didn't have to spend so much money and time commuting to Vegas, but we also started selling blinds out of that location. We hired a bookeeper and crossed our fingers that things would improve.

Come April, however, we had to look at more ways to cut our overhead. What we needed was someone to work for free, that had a vested interest in the company, and knew how to do basic account. Well, that person didn't exist--but two out of three ain't bad. I can work for free and I very much want the company to do well. The accounting part was the sticking pin, so I took a Quickbooks class and six weeks into the job I kinda almost sorta know what I'm doing. It's really worked out well despite my feeling sorry for myself that I can no longer live in my jammies.

It's been hard to fit this 25 hour a week job into everything else I do. I find I'm running from one thing to the next without much time to take a breath. Today, however, I have a morning to myself, at home, with no one but my dishwasher to keep me company. I have to take a couple kids in for doctor appointments in an hour, which means I won't be going in to work until after the appointment, which means I got to read a couple blogs and take twenty minutes to post something to my own.

Heaven.

It's my hope that within a few more weeks I'll be caught up at 'the office' and that life will settle into a new, though brimming, schedule. It's my hope that within a few more weeks I will now and then get an hour to sit and blog. It's my hope that within a few more weeks I will feel like I'm really making a marked contribution to the company (Did I mention the computer I crashed? The fact that I don't know how to use excel? My propensity to be rather snappy with the boss?) It's my hope that I will find a way to fit writing, exercise, editing, and cooking back into my life at some point.

For now, I'm glad I can do what I can do. I'm glad that working for my husband gives me the flexibility I need to be a mom and a writer as well, and I'm glad to have another thirty minutes of blesses peace and quiet in which to ponder the blessings in my life. I am blessed with work, blessed with ability, blessed with comfort, proseperity, and enough wisdom to see that despite the struggles, we're going to be just fine, one way or another.

So, anyway, if you've wondered where I've been, that's where, and if you're looking for window coverings, I'm hoping to have our new website up in another week or two so stay tuned.

Women's Conference Signing

Just a little note that if you're going to be at Women's Conference this week, I'll be doing a signing on Friday from 11-1 in the bookstore. If you've got books, you can bring them with you, or if you ain't got books, you can buy them there. Hope to see ya!

379 Blog Posts Behind; was it Worth it?

So, April, in a word, has been packed. I won't bore you with the details--most of which are convulsingly boring--but suffice it to say that turning off my google reader was a necessary element of survival. Other things that reflect my neglect: My front porch has been stacked with empty cardboard boxes for almost two weeks (I received the binders used for the LDStorymaker Syllabus and since the actual binders filled my foyer, the boxes went outside, where they have not been touched), the three month supply of Ramen Noodles I keep downstairs is gone, and my writing schedule, which shows I was at 22, 083 of my WIF on March 29 shows I am currently at 22, 083 almost a month later.

So, while I loved every minute of the conference and the Whitney Awards, there is certainly a part of me that is relieved to be done, for now anyway.

I plan to get back into my regular routine as soon as I can, and plan to blog in detail about both the conference and the Whitneys, but for now I want to make a couple comments specifically toward my bloggy freinds.

I was so thrilled when I learned so many of you were coming to the conference, I imagined being able to sit next to you during a lunch, having a real-life conversation and giving adiquate acknowledgement of what I see as our freindship--the reality is that I got a hug (or handshake) from most of you, shared a couple dozen words, and was off running to something else. I realized this year that I have a certain disposition that keeps me completely high-strung at events where I have responsibility. I love that--I love the contininual momentum, I love being in the middle of things, I love trying to ease processes and being a go-to-girl. I don't regret THAT, but I do regret that I didn't make the time to properly acknowledge each of you a little more. I had thoughts on Saturday that we should have put together a Bloggy Ice Cream social or something for like 9:00 Friday night. Then we'd have the time to just hang, which would have been so much fun. I hope no one was offended or felt small or wondered why I didn't seem to care. As I look over the last few days, that is my big regret--that I had you guys so close and didn't take full advantage of that.

THAT SAID--I was teary when Kimburlee and Luisa 'found' each other across the room--and so glad when I got to 'find' them for just a minute. Melanie J. is exactly the babe I knew her to be (the heels! Wow), Stephanie Humphries And Melissa C. sat at my bootcamp table, hopefully not out of sympathy for me, and impressed me very much with their writing, Don WON the first chapter contest and though he likely coudln't hear me, I was cheering as loud as I could possibly manage (which thanks to the double ear infections I'm still recovering from was like triple-echoed in my own ears--I was like my own stadium!) Lexiconluvr gave me a necklace and earrings, can you believe that? I'd complimented her jewelry at a prior event and she BOUGHT me the same set. I felt like one of those celebrity people that get free cars and things. She is a bundle of energy and smiles and each time I passed her in the hall I got a fabulous hug. Heather Justisen came to the Humdinger signing, the conference, and the Whitneys--her support and continual 'there-ness' over the years means so much. Heather, believe me when I say I am THRILLED with your book coming out! Danyelle WON in the first chapter contest (one of them co-authored by Heather J.)as well, and as she is one of the bloggers I read that I've known the longest, I was a-hootin-and-hollerin right along with everyone else. She and Ali Cross were a great duo on the 'Goodmorning LDStorymakers'. Rachelle has a book coming out as well, and the woman just glows--did you notice that? Rebecca Tally also came to the Humdinger event--not only does she have 9 kids she even LOOKS like Wonder Woman! Stephanie Black won the Whitney in 'our' category and I couldn't have been more thrilled for her. Wendy and I passed each other many a time, Karlene was a fabulous hostess at my signing Thursday night, and always a smiling face at the conference. Mathew Buckley looked as busy as I was, and from what I hear tweeted beautifully all through the Whitneys. Carole was one I got to chat with more than most; I was so glad as she is someone I admire so much.

AND, in addition to all that--I got to spend time with some of the most amazing women I know; Tristi Pinkston, Julie Wright, Annette Lyon, Alison Palmer, and Heather Moore. I wish I'd had more time to visit with Jeannette Rallison, Tami Norton, and my writing-warrior-group Anne, Ronda, and Becky.

I also appreciate that while I didn't get the one-on-one time I wanted, I believe that each of these people don't hold it against me (well, I hope they don't). I so admire each of you and am glad to know you.

Sheesh, I said this would be short, didn't I? See what happens to all my good intentions? And I still need to put in the links--I better send the kids down to check for more Ramen one more time.

(If I missed you, don't be afraid to say so--and I just finished the links--took me 40 minutes!)

Event Reminder: Provident Books & Humbinger Toys

Provident book and Humdinger toys in Pleasant Grove. chose Lemon Tart as their featured book of the month. I will be there for a discussion/signing on April 23 from 6:00-7:00 (661 W State, Ste A Pleasant Grove, UT). I will have all of my Cedar Fort published books there to sell, but you'll need to buy any of my Deseret Book published books at another location before that night. I've talked to other authors that have had the opportunity to be a part of the Provident book club and they said it was an absolute blast. I'm really looking forward to it. Open to the public!

Remember, if you come and mention that you read about the event on my blog, you get a special blogger-treat :-)

Show Me The Money 2008

It's that time of year--the flowers are blooming, the sun is shining (in between snow storms) and tax day has passed. What could be a more perfect time to report author-earnings?

In the past I have done this according to payment schedules (go HERE and HERE to read previous blogs on this topic), and then realized it would make a lot more sense to report an entire year's worth of royalties, payments, or advances. Since publishers have all kinds of payment schedules, this will help equalize the numbers. The year to report on is 2008.

So, here's what you do. Post to this blog ANONYMOUSLY and tell us the following information:

Type of publication: (traditional or self-published)

# of books you were paid on: (how many books are still selling)

Market: (LDS, National, Christian--you can be more specific if you want to such as National YA, National inspirational--up to you)

Total monies earned:

Type of payment: (how much royalty, how much advance, sell of rights, purchases etc. did you earn in 2008)

You're welcome to include any other comments as well, and feel free to click on the box that will send you any other postings to this blog so you can follow the responses without having to come back here.

Thanks for playing!

Event Reminder: Conference Saturday Signings

What could be better than listening to prophets and apostles and good ol' Mo'Tab?

Finishing it off with a good book!

Here's where I will be today. Remember, if you come in and tell me that you read about this on my blog, you get an eggstraspecial treat. No purchase necessary. Also, if you have a book already and want me to sign it, just bring it in a bag or purse--I'll vouch for you.

12:00-2:00--Deseret Book at University Mall (575 E. University Mall Parkway Orem, UT) I think this is the only signing I've done in Utah County in about six years. Wow. Open to the public.

6:00-8:00--This years Salt Lake location is the Joseph Smith Memorial Building, in the lobby. They always have drawings and food and all kinds of wonderful goodness to make it worth the trip. Open to the public.