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Thursday, December 20, 2007

Elf Wanted: Must be Reliable!

Our tooth fairy sucks. I don't know how we ended up with her, but she should never have been graduated from tooth fairy school. Not only does it take her weeks to actually do her job, but she seems to forget from one tooth to the next how much she's supposed to leave. My children have grown up with a complex about it, worried they aren't as important as other kids and therefore she doesn't give them priority. And then when she leaves a dollar for this one and fifty cents to another it causes all kinds of problems. If I paid her, I'd fire her, but I don't pay her, she pays the kids for freaking teeth, so it's hard to complain, but it would sure help me out if she'd be consistent in the execution of her tasks. If I knew how to contact the tooth fairy board I'd be sorely tempted, however, I don't believe it's any kind of accident that this information is not public knowledge. The tooth fairy I had growing up wasn't much better, so maybe it's an overall moral issue going on among the organization.

I think I figured out why she's so horrible though, I've determined she's an elf. A small elf, with wings and a dental fetish, but an elf all the same. And elves, I know without a doubt, are the most unreliable of creatures. If I ever doubt this I need only wait for Christmas to be reminded of why elves are not to be trusted.

See, we have a Christmas elf stay in our tree every December. Some might say that it's nothing more than a demented need to lie to my children more often--whatever. I have plenty of opportunity to lie to my children (your face will stay that way, I don't have any money, I love watching the plays you make up) I don't need to come up with such detailed and effort-invoking lies such as this.

So we have an elf. And every morning in the month of December the elf leaves candy for the kids if they've been good the day before. He leaves these treats in the match box bed I made him some fourteen Christmases ago (I'm nice that way) and the reason he stays in his match box bed in the tree is so he can report to Santa how the kids are doing. Never mind that he somehow watches the kids during the day, they can't see him, but he supposed to making toys too--let's not get distracted. Sometimes he leaves little notes for the kids--they love that. However, he, like his cousin the tooth fairy, sucks at his job. Too often he forgets to leave treats, making them question ME about why he didn't come. Well, how am I supposed to know?

"Weren't we good yesterday?"
"Is he telling Santa we were bad?"
"Does he hate the tree?"

And so in addition to the issues of tooth fairy malfeasance (not sure if that's the right word, but it sounds really cool) they have the additional weight of being unfairly treated by the Christmas elf as well. I have to ask, is there no shame for these creatures? Have they no respect for the role they play in the lives of my children! I mean, really, I'm not sure it's all that necessary for us to have these kind of "Helpers" if they can't be reliable. More trouble than they're worth says I.

Anyway, if you know any GOOD elves out there, the kind that follow through and give the children they serve the delight and joy they are supposed to create, send them my way.

At least our Christmas elf goes when the tree does. Unfortunately, my kindergartener has four loose teeth. I better buy some kleenex, or heck, maybe I ought to do it myself . . . nah, I've got enough to do.

Oh, and Merry Christmas.


Sarah Jean said...

I tagged you for the Christmas Hoopla!

Holly (2 Kids and Tired) said...

We don't have a Christmas Elf, but our tooth fairy leaves little toys that she finds in a box in my closet. It's my Magic Mommy Box and I stock it up every couple of months, so I always have something for an emergency, like loose teeth or a quick pick-me up for a child. Little dollar toys, or lego sets or playdoh, or books, whatever.

It's worked so far.

Sandra said...

The Easter Bunny is the one with a problem at our house. He can't seem to carry everything, so I have to purchase stuff and leave it for him to put into baskets. Come to think of it, I have to purchase the oranges and apples for Santa as well!

Great post, I love it.

Tonya said...

Boy I tell ya, it's so hard to get good help these days. I'll be sure and keep an eye out for ya. Sheesh!

Maybe there is a mythical/mystical creature union or BFCB (Better fairytale creature bureau) that you can write a letter to.

Stephanie Humphreys said...

Thanks for posting this.You reminded me that my daughter lost a tooth a few days ago (weeks ago?) and the tooth fairy hasn't come yet. It is so hard to get good help these days.

Marcia Mickelson said...

I really enjoyed your post. It was very funny.

Unknown said...

Thanks for the laugh . . . I needed that in the worst way!

Karlene said...

Our tooth fairy was terrible at remembering too. I think she was afraid if she tried to slip something under the pillow, the kids would wake up and they'd never go back to sleep.

When the kids got up the next morning I always had to cover for her. The kids would ask why she didn't come and I'd sneak a quarter in my hand and tuck it in the pillow case as I pretended to search for it. When I shook the pillow, the quarter would fall out.

Julie Wright said...

our tooth fairy must be the same as yours, only it takes her months sometimes to remember her job. That's why I think she's a man. You can nag and nag and the job still doesn't get done until things get desperate. It's cute you have an elf. You are such a cute mommy

Julie Wright said...

oh and Karlene, you're brilliant

mikster said...

lol... This post amused me a lot. I gave it some props in my cre8buzz blog a couple of days ago.

Anna Maria Junus said...

You and I have the same tooth fairy.