How Do You Overcome Lack of Confidence?

I received this question via Facebook and as I started to answer I realized it was a little more than a Facebook message, so I decided to blow the dust off my blog and post it here.

The actual question was "How did you get over (if you ever had it) the lack of confidence as you were writing?

First, LACK OF CONFIDENCE DOES NOT MEAN YOU CAN'T DO THIS.

I have lacked confidence throughout all fifteen of the years I've been writing. Over and over and over again I struggle to believe I can do what I've set out to be. I doubt my writing ability, I doubt my ability to find time, I doubt that people will be happy with the result. I read reviews that paralyze me, I face discouragements that make me wish I'd never started, I continually fear that my best ideas are already used up and whatever I do next will be lousy. Every writer I know faces it, so, yes, I have certainly faced with lack of confidence--I am right now battling a fear of being able to do something new and getting over a rather stinging rejection that took me away from my computer for weeks.


Second, THE ONLY WAY TO OVERCOME LACK OF CONFIDENCE IS TO SET YOURSELF UP FOR SUCCESS.

Start with very small goals you know without a doubt you can accomplish that is not tied to anyone else's efforts but your own. Some examples of the easiest goals would be "Write for 15 minutes" or "Read a chapter in that how-to-write book"or "Look up submission guidelines for one agent." It will feel silly, because you know that you can do it, but that's the point. Most of us (especially women) live in a world of not only "I'm not enough" but "I shouldn't be enough." We compare and criticize ourselves to ridiculous levels about most things in our life. In the process, we train our brain to feel successful only when we are failing. It's neurotic, but we do it. Someone compliments our dinner and we point out that we didn't put enough carrots in the soup. Someone tells us we look nice and we point out that our pants are too tight. My best guess as to why we do this is that we are afraid of appearing arrogant and so we put ourselves down and create an atmosphere where we are more comfortable with our missing pieces than our wholeness. When we then take on something big, like writing, our brain is stuck in old patterns. We've trained our brain to be more attentive to our shortcomings and that's going to be a problem because we need to do well at this if we're to reach our goal. If you stay in that place of comfortable regret, you will never make this writing thing work. You have to allow yourself to be successful, it is the only way to build confidence and without that inner confidence, the outer pressure will crush this dream before it gets off the ground. This applies to much more than writing--in every part of our life it's through the accomplishment of objectives that we grow in our belief that we can do well at things. Set yourself up for success by setting small attainable goals.


Third, CELEBRATE ACCOMPLISHMENT.

When we accomplish those small and attainable goals, we need to celebrate them. In this case it's not a party (though it could be cake) it's simply being conscious that you did what you said you would do. You can say it out loud "I just wrote for 15 minutes!" you can write it down, you can tell a friend. Don't simply set another goal, take a moment to celebrate the one you just accomplished. This conscious practice of celebrating success floods your brain with happy chemicals that help teach your brain what to derive pleasure from. It is pleasurable to succeed at things, but since we're used to "I shouldn't be enough" it takes some training to get your brain on board with this. Find people who will celebrate with you--not everyone will--and share your success with them while inviting them to share their success with you. Many times we surround ourselves with people who are far more comfortable with our whining than our winning. Find people who will allow you to share your excitement and let them celebrate with you.

Four, TAKE FAILURE IN STRIDE.

Failure is both powerful and inevitable. You will face it and it will hurt. There will be some people who will try to spin it into "That wasn't fair" or "They don't know what they're talking about" and while it's nice to have that kind of support, if we don't "listen" to our failures and find out what they can teach us, we won't be better for them. On the other hand, if we let our failures stop us, we are giving them too much power. For me, I have tried to find a balance of feeling the hurt and embarrassment and disappointment for a period of time, and then forcing myself to be objective about it. Look for the truth in the failures and rejections, but don't live there. Remind yourself over and over again that this is a journey. You are not taking it only to accomplish something, you are here to learn. It's been said that you can learn more from your failures than your successes, I think this is true but it's up to you whether or not you approach them that way.

Best of luck. Happy Writing.

Goodbye 2012, Hello 2013!

This has been a crazy year for me, lots has happened, but you wouldn't know it reading my blog :-) Still, I do like to check in here and I do have things to say--just not a lot of time to say it. I published three books this year and wrote three more, by far this is the most intense 'writing' year I have ever had. I presented at numerous conferences, attended my first out-of-state conference, and had a couple of trips to Southern Utah. Lots of work to be done, lots of great opportunities, lots of fabulous people I got to meet and talk to.

And amid it all, I had some goals I set this time last year. So, here is my report on how I did, how I feel about it, and what I plan to do this year.

Report on 2012:

1--Run a 1/2 marathon in 2:10--Smoked it! I ended up running 2 half marathons under 2:10, with my fastest time being 2:03.

How do I feel about that?

I am beyond thrilled by the accomplishment of this goal, it is the result of hundreds of hours and miles run and I was really glad to see it pay off. HOWEVER, I finished that last half in August and have run less than 10 miles since then. In part this was because I had two really intense deadlines I had put off, but in part I feel like I burned myself out on running. It had become such a focal point that it wasn't really fun anymore. I'm hoping this will change next year, but I'm not pushing it.

2--Sit down meal twice a week. --Nope. For the, what, fourth year in a row cooking for my family did worse than ever.

How do I feel about that?

I hate this but feel as though I have tried all kinds of things to do better and they just don't stick. I'm at a loss of knowing what to do now. I have tried calendars and schedules and meal plans and having-stuff-on-hand but with my kids schedules, my schedule, some eating considerations, and my lack of ambition I have been completely unsuccessful. I made dinner two to three times a week, and then we eat leftovers or have cereal or whatever. I don't know what to do about this.

3--Take a crochet class. --Nope. I looked into a few but the timing was bad and they were 30 minutes from home and I couldn't make it work.

How do I feel about that?

That said, I did more crochet than I have done in the past and have made a lot of dish-scrubbers out of 100% cotton yarn and taught myself a new stitch/patterns. I have a very hard time sitting still or just watching TV or whatever, so having something to do with my hands is stress-relieving for me and allows me to be still. I wish I had taken a class but I'm glad that I at least progressed.

4--Journal once a month. --Nope. I did journal seven times.


How do I feel about that?

I'm glad I did more than I'd done the year before, but frustrated that I didn't find one time every 30 days to write in my journal.  I'm a writer; I love words. I'm frustrated that I didn't complete a goal that used those gifts and abilities.

5--Attend the temple once a month. --Nope. Fail on this one too.

How do I feel about that?

Frustrated. I went five times, which is better than I did in 2011 but not even half of the goal I set. I know part of it is because there was no local temple for much of the year which meant I had to go to Logan or Bountiful. People who live farther away than I do are surely rolling your eyes--go for it--but it won't change the fact that I am used to having a temple within 20 minutes and I don't anymore and it's hard for me to make the extra time. No, that's not a good enough reason, but it's the truth. I have no good excuse for not having even attended the new Brigham Temple yet, other than time and hassle to make the phone call necessary for a session. Again, not a good enough reason, but it's an honest answer. And yet, one of those five times I attended resulted in one of the strongest answers I have ever had to a personal situation. It's not something I will ever write about in a journal, but it involved a physical reaction and a very strong impression of exactly what to do. I've never experienced anything like it, and, honestly it was a little freaky, but very, very good. I did as I was told and experienced a rush of relief and assurance that I had listened right. I'm very grateful for that experience and my goal of going once a month is part of why that happened, which I'm grateful for as well. So, in a nutshell I had a positive result from this goal and I'm glad for that.





6--Be nice.--I did better.

How do I feel about that?

Good. I think being nice is important and I made a conscious effort to do this. In the process I found myself more empathetic of others and less judgmental. Though I have a long way to go in regard to judging others, I do feel like I made progress and I'm glad for that. I found myself reminding myself over and over again that "Christ would be nice" which helped me to take a breath and calm down. 

Overall, I think I can say that I accomplished 2 of the 6 goals I set, which is discouraging to me. I believe that confidence is created by setting goals we can accomplish. I think when we do this, connections are made in our brain that make us feel strong and successful. And I did not fulfill 4 of the goals I set. I am glad to say that I improved in 3 of those 4 areas, and that is good, but they weren't ridiculously difficult goals to accomplish.

And so, 2013 . . .  what will I do with you?

My answer. Nothing. Yet. I need some time to ponder and evaluate and decide in what ways I want to become a better person. And I need to set goals I know I can accomplish. So, I guess that means I'll blog at least twice this year.

To be continued . . .

St. George Half Marathon 2012 Report

Today, January 21 2012, I ran the St. George 1/2 Marathon. This was my first time running this particular race, but the second St. George race I'd run (the first was Snow Canyon 2011). I think I really like St. George races. Because I live in Northern Utah, I'm almost convinced that coming down in elevation helps me, since my more northern races have been slower than both of these Southern Utah runs, but I have no scientific proof of this. Anyway, here's my recap.

I have never run in the winter. I enjoy running spring through fall, but I always stop running when it gets cold, then pick it up again in the spring. This year, I wanted to keep up my running throughout the winter specifically in hopes of getting faster. I have no doubt that running with my friend Holly Freeman made a HUGE difference in my speed. She is passionate about fitness and fitness goals and she and I have run about once a week since October. She runs faster than I do, much faster, but her slow runs are my fast ones and keeping up with her, learning to do intervals, and braving hills was a huge help to me. I only ran about 10 miles a week until early December, when I began increasing my runs. I didn't follow a set training schedule, I just tried to run 3 or 4 days a week, usually 3-5 mile runs and then a longer run somewhere that week. I didn't get over 20 miles a week until the two weeks before the race, then tapered to 4 miles Monday, 3 miles Tuesday, and 2 miles Wednesday the week of the race per my friend Jaime Theler's advice and reference to Hal Higdon's training schedule.

I'd been in Cedar City for some promotional things and presentations the days before the run, so Friday night my two favorite Crystals (I have a sister and a sister in law named Crystal--they are both wonderful) came with me to St. George where I'd rented a hotel room. We went to the Dixie Expo Center first to get my packet, where I had to serpentine through all these booths and such to get to where I picked it up. Brilliant to make us walk through the expo to get to the end. After I got my number, we went to a movie (Tower Heist) where I ate 1/2 a jumbo tub of popcorn and then went to dinner at Olive garden where I finished the carb-fest. We got to the hotel a little after 10:00 and I took a Tylenol PM. I slept pretty well and woke up at 7:45 to get ready. My sister drove me to the Dixie Expo Center, where the race started. It had rained during the night and was still sprinkling when we got to the race. I ate 3 shot-blocks for energy and drank some water before she dropped me off, then stayed inside the Expo Center and stretched--ran into Jill Dallon from Brigham City--and waited for the race to start. I had worn my long sleeved running shirt, a jacket, gloves, and a hoodie, because it was cold, but I peeled off the jacket and hoodie right before the race started and began looking for a place to put my drop bag. None of the volunteers knew where it was, none of the runners did either. I ended up stashing it under a tree next to some other ones. My cell phone was in there, as was $80 worth of gear, so I was nervous, but I didn't feel like I had a choice. The next clothing drop wasn't until mile 2.

The race put "pacers" into the race who held signs proclaiming how fast they were running so you could run with them--I'd never seen this before but really liked it. I started with the 2:10 crowd, but passed the pacers about 2 miles into the run in hopes of catching up with the 2:00 pacers, but I never even saw them. It was sprinkling, but just barely and the temperature was perfect--about 35ish degrees, I think. The first 8 miles was a lot of uphill, I was so glad I'd trained on hills with Holly, but they weren't steep, more of rolling, and wound through neighborhoods. The streets were well "manned" by volunteers and barricaded off, if felt very safe. I took the 5 hour energy I'd hidden in my secret pocket at about mile 6--I was feeling good but didn't want to burn out. At about mile 7 1/2, a seasoned pro passed and told us that it was all downhill from that point forward. Thank goodness! Around mile 8 I met a gal named Erica, also running alone. She and I talked and ran together for about 3 miles, which was wonderful. We were pretty evenly paced and conversation is always a welcome distraction. The race went from roads to a bike path that followed the river, very nicely paved with beautiful views into St. George. At mile 11 I was feeling good so I sped up a little bit. The rain increased about this time, but it wasn't obnoxious, I just had to keep wiping the water from my face. At mile 12 I was still feeling good so I sped up even more. I had hoped to come in close to 2:10, and was thrilled to come in at 2:07:10 instead.

At the end of the race they snipped off my chip, gave me a medal, and the finish line led right through the after-run snacks. I came through the snack line to find my sister waiting for me, which was wonderful. She's a great cheerleader.

I decided not to wait around for the awards, I was soaked, or my official time. By my GPS watch I was 7:29, but I had set it before I crossed the line. My stuff was still under the tree, so I picked it up and got back to the hotel in time to take a shower before out late check out was over with. Once back at the hotel, soaking wet, I realized I hadn't brought a change of underwear--I wear LDS temple garments and somehow left all the clean ones at my sister's house. Luckily, they sell them in town so I took an extra long shower while my sister picked me up a pair. I'd run in the ones I had and there was no way I could wear them twice. I was very grateful that it worked out as well as it did. I felt good enough to go shopping and get lunch and enjoy our free time before we had to return to Cedar.

In summary, I really liked the course which was a challenging one for me in regard to the hills, but definitely doable. I liked the organization of the race as well, all the information I got leading up to the race was well stated and easy to follow. The after-run snacks were good, the weather, though I was worried about it, was quite perfect. My training was really good and I had a great experience over all. I purchased some Altra shoes before I got serious about the training in December and feel like I can now proclaim how much I LOVE them. I've put about 80 miles into them and have had no knee or arch pain since using them. They are barefoot running shoes which are supposed to make your body move more naturally, and I am converted. You can find more info at www.zrunning.com

What I didn't like was that the volunteers I interacted with weren't super in-the-know, they seemed to know their job, but not much else. I never found the drop site before the race and would have liked to have put my stuff in a safer place. The shirts were men's cuts, and the small is big on me so I will probably never wear it, which is a shame because it's very well designed. I have also accepted that I must get better running pants. The ones I've been running in are cotton and with the rain they were soggy and heavy and stuck under my shoes by the end. I definitely need new pants.

I had a really good day and now have a new PR to beat at my next race, which is still up in the air. There are a few I'm looking into, but none that are "singing" to me just yet. I'm sure enjoying running right now in my life, I think it might be my version of an antidepressant as I just feel better when I'm consistent with it. Thanks to everyone who's been such a support to me, I appreciate it very much.

And Here it is, 2012

I think I wrote 8 blogs in 2011, I didn't read other people's blogs much more often than that. There was a time when I wrote 3-4 times a week, which mostly serves as a commentary on how things change and the necessity to revise the way I spend my time. However, I really like reporting on my goals and setting new ones so here I am, giving my report and signing up for a new list of challenges that, even if I don't reach the goal, makes me better than I was before I set it.

Report on 2011:

1--Love my body. I made progress in this area despite the fact that I'm a few pounds heavier than I was this time last year.

How do I feel about that?

Really good. I turned 37 years old in 2011, my husband turned 40 and I am mindful of the changes age makes, however, I am very pleased with how I am moving into these monumental years. I'm heavier than I've been, but I think I'm in better shape. I feel stronger. I sleep well, I can physically do pretty much whatever I want. If I decided, tomorrow, to take up rowing, or rock climbing, or dancing in one form or another, I could do it. I have the base I need. I love that feeling and though I'm not fitting into the clothes I would prefer and some of my 'shape' isn't the shape I want to be, I'm quite pleased with where I am and it feels SO good to feel good about those things.

2--Run a 1/2 Marathon in 2:10--Um, no. In fact my fastest time was 8 minutes slower than my slowest time in 2010.

How do I feel about that?

Not too bad, really. I ended up with unexpected gallbladder surgery in June that seriously interfered with my running goals, and yet I still managed to run two 1/2 marathons. I was slower, but I did them and they were great experiences.

3--Complete 3 novels--Totally did it! I finished "Pumpkin Roll" and "Banana Split"--books 6 and 7 in the Sadie Hoffmiller Culinary Mystery Series--and "Daisy" which is my contribution to a parallel novel series written with three of my favorite writers. You can learn more about that series on the blog dedicated to the books.

How do I feel about that?

Stinkin awesome! Could not be more pleased with how my writing career is going. I'm humbled by the continual opportunities and proud of myself for making it work. Daisy was a joy to write, a good break from Sadie, though I do love her so, and I thoroughly enjoyed writing with Heather, Annette, and Julie.

4--52 Thank You Cards--Totally did this one, and I think I sent closer to 70 cards instead of the 52 I had planned.

How do I feel about that?

Really good. Having set this as a goal kept me more aware of the things people around me do. I sent cards to kids who spoke in primary who I could tell were nervous but did it anyway. I sent thank you cards to people who deserved it long before I ever took the time to say so. I tried to make note of those moments that were such a part of someone's nature that I usually just glossed it over with "Oh, she likes to do that kind of thing." And I so enjoyed this experience.

5--Keep a Better House--I've definitely improved.

How do I feel about that?

Great. A clean home makes me feel better. It's that simple and I have worked hard to keep up on the day to day as well as work on the deep cleaning before it's drowning me. Right now, though there isn't a room in my house that's perfect, I feel good about the state of my home. I know where most things are and I feel like I'm being a good steward of the temporal blessings I've been given.

6--Develop and Follow a menu plan--epic fail. I did worse this year than last year. Boo.

How do I feel about that?

Frustrated, like I did last year when I didn't meet this goal. I love to eat dinner with my family, so why don't I make it happen? There are weeks when I cook one meal and all the other nights just expect everyone to fend for themselves. I hate it, but am really struggling to get into a rhythm. I'm honestly not sure where to start.

7--Expand and keep up on my freelance work--Did it, but not in the way I expected to. I didn't write any articles, but I did some web copy writing work that I really enjoyed.

How do I feel about that?

Good. The essence of the goal was for me to be developing my other writing skills outside of novel writing which I feel makes me a better writer overall and keeps me from becoming to overwhelmed with my fiction. Taking on the freelance projects definitely changed things up for me and helped me learn new skills. And I loved doing web content and hope do do more of it in the future.



Goals for 2012:

1--Run a 1/2 marathon in 2:10. I think I can do this with proper training and consistency. I am also nearly out of expendable organs so I don't forsee having to have anything surgically removed this year.

2--Sit down meal twice a week. I need to get over some of the things that get in my way like not having everyone home, not being in the mood, and not having the ingredients. If I plan on two full meals a week where whoever is home sits down together, I should be able to pull it off. I can have the ingredients on hand and make it happen. Maybe if I do this and have positive experiences with it, I will be better motivated to do it more often.

3--Take a crochet class. I really like handiwork and I really like crochet, but I can only do two stitches. I'd like to take at least one crochet class and improve my skills. I'd love to be able to crochet baby blankets by the time I'm a grandma, which could very well happen in the next five years. I used to put myself into learning all kinds of things but as my writing has taken off I have focused primarily on those skills that benefit my career. I'd like to expand into some other things.

4--Journal once a month. I know that doesn't sound like much, but I've read over my journal of the last five years and average about 3 entries a year. I'd like to do better and so will try to journal on the first Sunday of each month.


5--Attend the temple once a month. This is a hard goal for me. I know it's not politically correct to say so, but I don't love going to the temple. I feel good there and I'm glad when I go, but I rarely have really powerful experiences and it becomes easy for me to be off. For me, I think attending is more a matter of obedience than seeking revelation, but I want to do better. I only attend two or three times this year and I don't think I've ever gone 12 times in a year so this will be a good spiritual goal for me to work toward.

6--Be nice. Both in words and in thoughts, I would like to be a nicer person. I would like people to feel better for having been with me, and I would like to focus on good things more than negative. This isn't something that comes easy to me but one I've made enough progress on to know that setting my mind to it makes it a possibility. I'm not sure how I'll measure it, but I would like to feel 'nicer' by 2013.

Come back next year and we'll see how I did :-)

Welcome 2011--Now, what will I do with you?

**I accidentally posted this to the wrong blog--so surprising, right?--so I am reposting it here for my own journalling purposes.
____________________________________*

I've said it before and I'll say it again and again and again :-) I enjoy setting goals. I do get annoyed when I don't meet them the way I plan to, but can take pride in "Working Toward" rather than simply "Did It" and that's the spirit in which I shall report on 2010 and lay out my goals for 2011.

1--Lose 5 pounds --um. . . not only did I not lose five pounds, I gained ten. I am at my highest non-pregnancy weight of my adult life.

How do I feel about that?

I'm not even going to embarrass myself by answering. How does anyone woman feel about having 10 extra pounds?

Next...

2--Run a 10K --I did not run a 10K, but I DID run a half marathon, which had been a 2009 goal I hadn't met that year.

How do I feel about that?

Stinkin' Awesome! I continued to have knee problems, but I resolved them. In March of 2010 I signed up for a triathlon and a 1/2 marathon spur of the moment . . . then ended up with major surgery in July that made both events impossible. But my sister, Crystal, ran a half and watching her do it kept my fire lit. Following surgery I was able to train for a November race and and not only did I complete the marathon, but I ran the whole thing. My final time was 2:22 and I could not be more pleased with that time. It was a fabulous, wonderful, confidence boosting experience.

3--Love better --I really made it a focus to love the people around me, and learn more about love. I discovered that when I'm judging people, I can't love them. So, the root of love was not being so dang judgmental. And this lended itself toward judging myself as well and therefore loving myself better.

How do I feel about that?

Really good. I'm very proud of myself for working on this--it didn't just happen. It took focus, it took prayer, and it took working through some very hard emotional baggage that was getting in the way of my ability to truly trust people, which is a big part of love for me. Not only do I feel good about what I accomplished, I am so very grateful for having set it as a goal in the first place. It was a little ambiguous a goal to set and yet the results are solid and life changing. I still have distance to cover, but I made some profound discoveries and feel good about that.

4--Read 50 books. --I did not read 50 books. I was probably closer to 35.

How do I feel about that?

Disappointed. I really wanted to read more this year and instead I think I read less than I did last year. I'm only counting books I finish, and I bet I started 15 books that simply didn't hold my interest. That's disappointing, and yet I read some wonderful books that I really enjoyed. For instance, I discovered Kate Morton, who has a beautiful way with words. I read Train to Potevka which was wonderful, and The Message which was also very good. So, while I didn't meet my goal of 50 books, I'm still glad I set it and worked toward it.

5--Cook dinner. --I had hoped to cook dinner 4-5 times a week. I didn't do this consistently and probably averaged 2-3, which is more than it was in 2009 but not what I was shooting for.

How do I feel about that?

Frustrated. I love to cook and I love food and I love to eat with my family, so not fulfilling this goal means I missed out on three things I love. I am glad I improved and that's encouraging but I had hoped to make it more of a priority and I didn't do that.

6--Write at least 1 hour a day, 6 days a week. --HA--I did not even get close to this one. I started out strong, but it completely fell apart come March. Everything this year felt rushed and my writing was no different. I ended up doing most of my writing in chunks of time I had to carve out of regular life. Daily writing hasn't happened for me in months.

How do I feel about that?

Angry. Not sure why that's the one word answer, but that's how I feel. It should not be THAT hard for me to find 1 hour a day to write, and I know from experience that when I write this way I am much more calm and focused on my writing. I'm angry that I didn't make more time...and yet, this was a really tough year in a lot of ways and I did complete two novels and make good progress on another one. The result, therefore, was still good, but I would have liked a better process.

So, what's in store for 2011:

1--Love my body. Though I gained weight this year, and I'm not thrilled about that, I had several experiences this year that made me realize how unappreciative I am for the body I have. Both in regard to health and appearance, I am blessed and have not been kind to myself about that. This year, I'm not going to focus on weight, but instead am going to work on my fitness and my feelings toward the body I have, which is a gift from my Father in Heaven and deserves to be treated as such.

2--Run a 1/2 marathon in 2:10. That would be 12 minutes off my time, which would be almost a minute per mile faster than I did the one this year.

3--Complete 3 novels. I'm almost half way in one, another is started and another is only a pipe dream, but I want to finish them all by the end of the year.

4--52 Thank you cards. I often have the thought to send a thank you card to people, I have lots of thoughts, but I don't send many because the process to do so takes more time than I can find. I've recently started using an online greeting card company that sends real cards and it makes it so easy that I can take that thought and make it into an action without too much trouble. I have so many wonderful people in my life that I'm excited to do a better job at showing them. One thank you card a week shouldn't be that hard to do. (I also learned that Melanie Jacobsen is working on a book with this title, which is super awesome.)

5--Keep a better house. I've really let myself and my family fall into bad habits of not cleaning up after ourselves but I have pushed it to the back burner because it's not the most important thing I've needed to deal with. However, I feel better when my house is picked up and I feel that I have the ability and the commitment to do better this year.

6--Develop and follow a menu plan. I need to organize my dinner plans and have things on hand so I can make meals without having to take a trip to the store.

7--Expand and keep up on my freelance work. I have been able to develop my writing abilities through freelance work in the past, and I really enjoy it--both the challenge and the security of knowing I can write in a variety of ways. I didn't do much in 2010 and want to keep it fresh this year. I'd like to submit 4 articles in 2011 and keep my eyes open for other opportunities.

I think that will do it--if I can make progress on all of these things, I will consider 2011 a success!

NY Resolutions get a Bad Rap

It seems there is something for everyone on the spectrum of resolutions; some of us take it seriously, some of us don't want anything else to feel guilty about and ignore them completely.

As for me, I think I fall somewhere in the middle. I have written out resolutions in the past; I've broken them and been hard on myself. Sometimes I just think them, and forget them eventually. As we entered 2010 and I wondered whether to do them or not, I had a thought, why NOT set goals?

I mean, yes, there's the chance you won't fulfill it, but isn't working toward something, even if it's only for a little while, and even if you don't fufill it perfectly, isn't the 'journey' toward being better or accomplishing something worth it? Isn't the mere WANTING of something better a good thing?

I think it is.

So, here are some of my resolutions from LAST year, and how I did on them:

1--Lose 10 pounds: I did lose ten pounds, but I didn't keep it off once November rolled around. I'm officially six pounds lighter today than I was this time last year.

How do I feel about that?

AWESOME. I'm six pounds lighter, AND I learned a lot about myself, about food, and about how to feel good. I might not have accomplished my goal, but the journey was worth it and I feel primed to truly accomplish it in 2010. I fit in my jeans, and that's awesome.

2--Run a half marathon: Not only did I not run a half marathon, I didn't get even close. I ran one 5K in 2009. Not long after that I started having trouble with my IT band on my left leg. I eventually got a brace, but it was uncomfortable and being in pain takes a lot of the fun out of running for me thus I didn't train as well as I wanted to and I didn't even attempt another 5K, let alone a longer race.

How do I feel about that?

Okay. I mean, I did run, and I even kept running after my knee started hurting. I had some great mountain runs with my husband, which were times I truly cherished. I got out of my house, pushed myself, and while I didn't accomplish what I wanted to accomplish I still accomplished something and I'm stronger because of it. I also ran my personal longest distance 6 1/2 miles, which was awesome!

3--Establish a new relationship with a certain family member: I'm not really at peace with where this 'relationship' is, but as the year progressed and certain drama came up, I was able to pull myself out of it better than I ever have before. I came to realize there is no quick fix to this situation, it's one I've dealt with a long time and will continue to deal with a long time in the future.

How do I feel about that?

Optimistic. I have room for improvement on my part, lots of room, but I did make some important 'discoveries' in regard to this this year and I believe I can continue to improve things little by little if I continue to ask the Lord for help, continue to evaluate myself and my actions, and continue to WANT something better than what I have right now. I'm very glad I set this goal and gained the insights I gained.

4--Read more books. I had hoped to read a book a week. For some people, that isn't very many. There was a time when this was a paltry amount of reading for me, but over the last the five years life has become such that reading has gone by the wayside. In 2008 I think I read less than 20 books, which is almost embarassing. I did do better in 2009, and I think I read closer to 35 or 40 books.

How do I feel about that?

Really good. I would like to read at least 50 books a year; it keeps me up to date on the market and also helps me with my own writing. I also think that it's a good 'break' for me, and I give myself very few of those. I'm glad I set this goal because otherwise I wouldn't have pursued reading the way I did.

And now we are 2010--and here are my goals:

1--Lose 5 pounds (this will be easier than it was last time because I did it before and know how to do it again, now that the holidays are over I can get back some of the control I've given up. Hopefully I'll be able to maintain it through he year this time. We'll see.)

2--Run a 10K (this will be tricky, but not impossible. I need to sign up for a race so that I'm forced to train for it or risk losing the money)

3--Love better (I beleive that Love is the key to both forgiveness and acceptance of other people. It's hard for me to give sometimes, but I've learned a thing or two this year about myself and want to be more giving of the love I feel, but sometimes hesitate to share)

4--Read 50 books. (that's not even a book a week. Reading the Whitney finalists alone will get me halfway there. Thank goodness for the online library option where I can hold books from home)

5--Cook dinner. (Making changes to my eating took a lot of fun out of cooking and I've gotten to where I make an actual meal only once or twice a week. I find that pathetic and am determined to do better this year. I've pulled out a couple recipe books and marked recipes that I'm interested in. I've invested in $20 worth of cool spices I had to order online. I'm shooting toward at least one new recipe a week and at least 4 actual meals a week.)

6--Write at least 1 hour a day, 6 days a week. (So far, I'm 100% on this one :-) and have written 4,000 words in the new year. I love timers, so timing helps a lot. I'm worried for how it will work when the kids are back in school and I'm back at work, but if I can keep to it, I'll avoid the stress of deadlines from last year. I will reward myself for every 15 days I write 1 hour; a hair color, pedicure, massage--things like that.)

So, it's your New Year too--how did 09 go and what are you planning for 2010?

Three Cheers--Ronda Hinrichsen

I've said before that one of the blessings of writing is the really great people it's brought into my life--one of those people is Ronda Hinrichsen. She and I presented at the same Enrichment night--I talked about writing books and she talked about the dozens of articles she'd written over the years. I think she was the one that thought up the idea of forming a writing group. As I came to get to know Ronda, I have been consistently impressed with the woman she is. She played the piano and teaches lessons, sings and teaches lessons, helps run their family farm, and currently serves as the Young Women's president in her ward. She has three kids, two of which are serving missions in Brazil right now and a radiant smile that she liberally applies to life. She's a steady woman, a hard working woman, and a woman who keeps her priorities and principles in the right place at all times. Therefore, it's exciting to see her attaining the goals she has worked toward for so many years.

Throughout the six years we've been in the same writing group, both of us have moved forward and experienced the ups and downs of the writing profession. This week has been a GREAT week for Ronda! She'd had a novel accepted last spring, and finally got the cover and release date this week. You can see it at her BLOG and it will be available in October. She also won first place in the League of Utah Writer's contest for her other book, Trapped--which is an AMAZING story. I can't wait to see what she comes up with next. There are so many not-so-great moments in a writing carreer, and it just thrills me that Ronda has been able to experinece so many of the golden moments this week.

It's exciting to see all the hard work beginning to pay off, and it's only the beginning--Ronda is both talented and persistent, two of the most important things any writer can have.

Way to go Ronda! I wish you the very best. Run over to her blog and give her a pat on the back, she totally deserves it.

The Fall--phew!

I didn't learn to ride a bike until I was nine years old. Why? Because I was terrified of falling. Each time someone would try to teach me, I would fall and refuse to try again--until my embarrassment of being the only kid my age that couldn't ride got me on the bike again. finally, at nine years old I figured it out--and didn't fall. At our house no one 'owned' a bike. Because there were so many of us we simply had a plethora of sizes, you would choose the one that fit you best and it was yours until you got back home. If you ended up with the yellow sparkly one with the banana seat and white wicker basket--well, show up in the garage earlier next time!

Once I knew how to drive, I don't think I ever rode a bike again.

About four years ago I bought a bike for our oldest daughter and I got the idea to buy one for myself. My first bike!

I got a nice one--a cross-something or other that could do road and mountain trail. The next day I strapped on my helmet (first time I'd ever worn one) and set off. I was home two miles and ten minutes later. My legs and lungs were on fire. I parked the bike, very disappointed that it was so hard. I wanted a nice easy, fast moving exercise. I'd been robbed! Over the next four years I probably put about 25 miles on that bike and most of those trips were with the kids to the church and back.

Last summer I started running with a good friend, Tiffany. Tiffany is amazing and different from any woman I've ever known as an adult. She LIKES exercise! She and her family all swim like freaking dolphins, they run, they bike. But not in the freaky-guru "I only wear Nike t-shirts so you'll know what an athlete I am" kind of way, but in the "I love the satisfaction of having had my body in motion."

Well, I'm a satisfaction freak. I love 'finishing' something. So, with her as my running buddy I got up to 3 miles. When an injury caused her to cut back, I kept going. I went four and five miles! I ran a couple 5K's and came to love the accomplishment at the end of a run.

One thing Tiff and her family do is biking--and I mean BIKING. Last summer she biked around Utah lake--it's 100 miles. Each time she would tell me about these excursions I would think of my bike sitting in the garage. I asked her questions about riding on the side of the highway--had she ever been hit by a Diesel and put in traction for 6 months? In fact, she had not. What if her chain fell off? She FIXED it, all by herself. The woman is amazing. Finally, a couple weeks ago I bit the bullet and rode my bike to a church meeting, three miles away. I'm sure the women there thought I was dying when I arrived--I was sweaty and my face was bright red and I had to excuse myself so that I could catch my breath. I wasn't sure I liked it. I had to ride on the highway and every time a car passed me I would hold my breath, sure it was going to take me out. My hands were sore by the time I got home because I would clench them each time a car came up on me from behind. But I did survive, and therefore I had 'success' and, as I said, I'm a success freak.

Since that night my husband and I have gone on a few bike rides together. It's been a lot of fun to push ourselves and cover so much ground. We're up to about 8 miles, and it only takes about 40 minutes. We live in a beautiful place and love getting out into it. But in the back of my mind has been a niggling fear. What if I fall? I mean, I KNEW I would fall eventually, and at times that thought terrified me to the point of letting Lee ride alone. Remember, I love success, not failure, and falling is a failure I don't want to face. Every time we get on the bikes I think about it, worry about it, and then proceed with extreme caution. I don't WANT to fall. I want to ride.

Last night we went up on the canal road, which overlooks Willard and Willard Bay. It's breathtakingly beautiful, but the road is rutted and has a drop off on one side. I tried not to think about falling, but it was hard not to. Tt was not the road I wanted to fall on (not that there was a road I wanted to fall on, but you get my point). My rear brake is out on my bike--something I manage to forget between each ride. Every hill had my heart pounding as I pictured the back wheel of my bike cartwheeling over the front. We turned back when the sun began to set, with Lee in the lead, and came to a portion of road that was deeply rutted. I decided it would be best to stay up on the ridge between the two ruts. It worked for a little while, until my back wheel fell into one of the ruts, forcing my front wheel to the side. I yanked back on it, tried to correct and instead went down on my left side. I wasn't going very fast, and I didn't fall very far, but I caught myself with my hands. I sat there for a minute, my hip throbbing, my hands burning and then felt the strangest sense of relief.

I'd fallen. But I was okay. The thing I had feared all along was over with.

The fall hadn't destroyed me, it hadn't damaged me beyond repair. I got up, brushed off and got back on my bike so I could catch up with Lee and take advantage of his sympathy. When I got home, I had to clean the rocks out of my hand--OUCH! But I continued to have the thought go through my head "I'm okay."

Not only that, I'm smarter too. On Monday, I'm going to get my rear brake fixed--it's silly for me to ride a bike that's missing half it's stopping ability. I'm also going to get some hand guards, so if I fall again, I won't imbed rocks into my flesh. I've LEARNED something from the experience, and that is a SUCCESS. Bring it on!

And it got me thinking. How often does the fear of falling keep us on the ground? And have you ever 'fallen' only to realize that it wasn't nearly as bad as you thought it would be? AND, if not for those inevitable falls in life, would we ever learn anything at all?

I'd love to hear your stories.

GOAL! #1 on Deseret Book

Oh I am so glad I am home alone right now. Serious. I would be forever embarrassed if anyone had overheard my maniacal laughter, shouts and unrestrained jubilation.

BUT, my neurotic-celebration is totally warranted because I have accomplished a goal I have hoped for and tried to talk myself out of for almost ten years. Lemon Tart made number one on Deseret Book's General Fiction list AND the Mystery and Suspense list! AND that puts it as #2 on the Overall Fiction list and #12 on Deseret Book's overall best seller list. Take a LOOK at the best seller's list--how many fiction novels to you see up there? Yeah, exactly my point!

Fiction is a hard sell, it really is, and any publisher will tell you that non-fiction sells better than fiction. ESPECIALLY in regard to DBs bestseller list because you a competing with General Authorities! And MY book is on the list. Worldwide Ward Cookbook is also on the list, which also makes me so very happy.

Ya know, in life there are some really icky days you have to suffer through, and honestly it's days like this that help me get through the mud-slog days.

In addition to the #1 spot on DBs list, I also received an honorable mention in Scribbit's March writing contest. You can read my entry by going to her blog--read a couple of the others up there as well, they are great.

Let me end this with a plea that you will forgive my indulgent explosion and pride in my accomplishments--I am a writer which means I will be humbled tomorrow when I wrestle with a scene that just isn't working--BUT thank you, each and every one of you that read my blog, read my books, leave online reviews, recommend my books to my friends, tell me what you liked, help me improve, listen to me rant, and cheer right along with me. I could NOT have achieved this goal without amazing support from everyone in my life. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

It's a good day. AND I'm done writing today. I'm going to go for a celebratory jog and eat half a box of Thin Mints.

ALSO, I did a podcast with LDSwomenbookreviews a few weeks ago, and the podcast is up and ready to be downloaded. Click HERE to find out how you can download it.

To catch up is Divine!

So I'm selling all this stuff on eBay and burning out quick, but we've made 2K so it's all good. I have these three books that I poke out now and then to see if they are still alive, they jiggle, convincing me of their non-DOA status and I ignore them again because I haven't decided which one to obsess over. But amid all those BIG things, I've had all these little things biting the back of my ankles and making me nuts. You know the type of thing, right, the little things you put off because you know they will only take a little while, and that little while is just around the corner, and you're not really in the mood right now, and heaven knows you can't do this stuff if you're not in the mood. Yeah, you got it.

So, last night I laid in bed and one by one these things paraded in front of my clenched-shut eyes

• A workshop presentation on authors voice

• A young women's presentaion on Divine Nature

• A bio and blub for my authors voice presentation

• Do I know what author's voice is?

• three 10 page critiques

• 1 partially finished edit for a full manuscript for a freind

• 1 as of yet unstarted full manuscript edit for a freind

• An article on the grocery game for LDSneighborhood

• Author notes for Her Good Name (assuming it gets accepted)

• Acknowledgment, dedication and about the author for Her Good Name (assuming it gets accepted)
• Visiting teaching, two of my sisters are going to a new ward on Sunday because of a split and I haven't taken cookies yet. Everyone knows you can't leave on non-cookie terms.
  

This is all in addition to that regular driving kids, feeding kids, yelling at kids, apologizing to kids, washing kids clothes, kissing kids husband hello, kissing kids husband goodbye, cleaning up after kids, yelling at kids again and driving kids some more. But all these little things writing-related things were just niggling at me. I've been telling several of them to sit down and shut up for a few weeks, but they were running out a patience and conspiring to completely undo me. For some reason, a lot of little projects are usually far more overwhelming than one big project for me. I hate to admit it, but I think it's because I'm horribly task oriented. I was raised to think this was a negative thing, that it showed you lacked the ability to self-motivate yourself and only sought for the completion--well, I took my kids sledding the other day on the lids to the rubbermaid containers down stairs and I've shared my shower stall with 8 barbies for over a week--it's time to shake off the pretenses of pride and self-motivation and admit that I just like getting things DONE.

I like my kitchen to be DONE, even though I know it will be messy again in 10.8 seconds. I like my laundry DONE, even though I know I'll just throw another load in in the morning. I like my grocery shopping DONE, and my lesson DONE, and my hair DONE. Whoever it was that said the journey was half the fun was baboon-butt-crazy. The joy for me is getting it DONE, and then I admit that it wasn't so bad, that it was cool figuring out the right way to put the bobby pins or that thegrocerygame is a bit of a high, but I see none of this until the task is DONE.

So this morning I woke up and amid all the heavy discouragement of the piled up tasks, I did something remarkable--I just did it. Well, most of it. I focused on the smaller tasks, the ones I knew I could complete and I dove right in.

I wrote out the notes, I finished the critiques, I wrote the blurb, compiled the presentation notes, did a rough draft of one presentations, wrote a particularly funny about the author. I submitted the articles, packaged a few eBay sales, took a shower, did my hair AND makeup (is it my husband's birthday?) And here I am about to take my kindergartener to school with all these DONE things to my credit. I am truly basking!

I still have the two full manuscript edits, but I'm making progress. I'm reminded of a quote from a former president and prophet of my church, Spencer W. Kimball

Do it
Do it right
Do it right now!

Setting yourself up

I have a wonderful friend who does cake decorating. She did my wedding cake fourteen years ago and has done hundreds since. She recently related to me how she'd made a cake for her granddaughter's birthday. She'd decided to use butter cream frosting because it tastes so much better than shortening based frosting. However, it doesn't hold the decorative shapes as well as the trans-fat-laden-alternative so by the time she went to the party the frosting was blobby and drippy. She then spent the party trying not to be embarrassed and annoyed with herself--knowing that she should have used Crisco.

I don't decorate cakes, but there are so many other things in my life where I face this same thing. I hurry to get all the dishes in the dishwasher before I leave the house so that I'll have clean dishes when I get home, but getting it all done makes me late for my appointment. I--totally hypothetical here--agree to participate in a Book In A Month Challenge before reading the project I'll be working on. I haven't read it for a year and realize I need to cut 4,000 words. Not to mention that I have another book I'm editing for someone else, I am buying bookshelves that have to be put together, and between my own presentations and my kid's stuff I have 3 evenings in a two week period of time that I'm even home. I know I won't have time, but I commit anything. Sometimes it seems as if I have masochistic tendencies.

I could go on and on and on and on, but then we'd all wonder what was wrong with me.

The point is, why do we do it? Why do we set ourselves up for failure?

I think I figured it out. Because we have to fail. We simply CAN NOT do everything. My friend chose butter cream because it tastes better, she wanted a cake that tasted good. Shortening is beautiful but most people scrape it onto the plate. She had to choose between presentation and enjoyment of product. Who's to say she didn't make the right choice? If it were my cake--butter cream all the way.

Yes, I'm late for an appointment, but when I get home with half an hour to get dinner on the table, I'm sure glad the dishes got done (now, had I chosen not to spend 2 hours on the computer before I did the dishes. . . ) And as for the BIAM, well, I AM making progress that I don't think I'd be making if I didn't have a goal.

In my own life, I know that it is through my failures that I grow. It is through sin that I've come to understand the Atonement and through weaknesses that I've found the desire to do better. I still hate that I'm not perfect, hate that I can't do it all the way I see it in my head, but if I can look at life as a journey, at which I am slowly improving myself bit by bit, screw-up by screw-up, well, it's not so dang depressing.

And then I hear my friends butter cream vs. shortening story and remember that I'm not alone. We all set ourselves up in some way or another--so, what's your poison? And yes, I'm asking for purely selfish reasons.

BIAM Challenge

Several years ago my husband and I did shelter care, which is temporary foster care while the courts try and make decisions in regard for the children. It was fun, very hard, and most of our neighbors at the time could not understand why we were doing it. We were living in our first home, we had two little kids, and yet we'd take these other children in and make about $20 a day to do it. Why? The answer I gave, and truly the motivation for our doing it, was because we'd been so blessed and felt we needed to create our own challenges before someone else does. That sounds masochistic or overly romantic--I'm not sure which--and we ended up only doing it for about five months before I became pregnant and we were unable to continue, but we learned a lot--all because we felt the need to create a challenge.

And here I am, accepting Tristi's Book In a Month Challenge, and creating another challenge in my life. Quite frankly, I'm scared. I hate failing, and I've tried this before and within a week gave it up, and yet I'm here again, only this time I think it's possible for me to make it work. For one thing, the book is more than halfway done, I'm not creating a book from scratch. For another thing, I NEED to finish it, and for one final thing--what's life if not completely overwhelming? If I'm not crying my eyes out once a month because I'm overloaded, I'm crying my eyes out because I'm being stagnant. Okay, those are both exaggerations--I'm not a crier--but I think you get the point. Life is hard, writing is hard, deadlines are hard, so what? Do it anyway (we'll see how I feel if I really do end up in tears and give it up)

Anyway, it begins today and I'm excited. I just have to get my house caught up and stop this infernal blogging so I can get my 1,000 written today.

200 Today!

I will spare you all the redundant lamentations I've given in regards to my current WIP and simply bask in the accomplishment of hitting 200 pages today. Okay, I'm just kidding, I have to repeat my lamentations because it's all so HORRIBLE! This book has been started 4 different times and as of last week I had . . . gulp . . . 460 pages of cuts--and that's not counting the three 'attempts' that I have not yet added to my cuts folder. I'm not sure I dare. I'm also not sure why this book has been so particularly hard, other than my latest book Sheep's Clothing was so different from the other things I've written and this one is kind of a combination of my earlier style and newer suspense, and it's been hard trying to balance it all.

Anyhooooooo, last Wednesday I cut another 10 pages or so and decided I was sick to death of writing up to 150, then cutting, then getting back to 150 and cutting again. So I set a goal to write hit 200 pages by Tuesday June 26 (that's tomorrow). AND I DID IT! It was hard, cause there are things I know I need to cut, but for the most part I didn't let myself do it. I didn't revise much at all (though I couldn't help but cut six pages that were seriously giving me a rash). But my goal was to move forward. Since I plan to write 300 pages, this means I'm 2/3 of the way through the book! I might just finish this thing after all!

Anyway, it was an exciting thing for me, to actually accomplish something of significance. I'm still not sure this book is as good as my previous ones, and I know I will have a lot of editing to do, but at least I've hit my 200. With a little luck and discipline, I won't dip below that mark again. The big question is, can I write another 50 pages in a week? I'm not sure, so I haven't written it on a post it note and taped it on my wall yet. I do have an ultimate goal of being DONE with the book by August 1. revisions will be done by August 15 and then I will be begging my readers to tell me how badly it sucks--so that I can fix it. And this time, I will listen (Tristi, that's for you :-) and will have this book turned in by Mid September.

It's gunna happen. I can feel it . . . finally!